South Park Saga Arc 1: The Stick of Truth
by Chronicler2
Summary: As the kingdoms of Zaron and Larnion prepare to fight the final battle for a the Stick of Truth, a New Kid arrives that-blah-blah-blah, you've heard this kind of thing before. Just read the %#@ story already, trust me, it's much better then the actual game.
1. Chapter 1: New Home, New Friend

Dane was in his room getting dressed for the first day in his new home, South Park. He looked in the mirror to look at himself. He was of average height for someone his age, his brown hair was in its usual style, somewhat messy . A green hoodie, black pants, and black shoes. Finally, he took note of the scar on his left eye, running down from near the lower side of his forehead to the lowest part of his nose. He never knew where he got it, and his parents never explained where it came from.

His parents came in. "Hey son, how are you liking the new room?" His Dad asked.

"It's nice, bit basic though." Dane replied.

His Mom smiled."Well, don't worry sweety. we'll get the rest of your stuff out of storage later. Why don't you go out and play with the other kids? There's some money on the counter for you. Go out and try to have a nice day." Dane's Mom said, they then left the room.

Since he had nothing better to do, Dane went downstairs, (stopping by the kitchen to pick up some money, in case he needed it,) and went out to meet the other kids in South Park.

Dane decided to go around the neighborhood to try and find some kids to play with. A small distance away from his house that he saw a kid dressed as an elf beating up a kid with short, blonde spiky hair who was dressed like a paladin.

"Surrender, human." The "elf" asked.

"Never! Zaron will not fall!" The "paladin" replied as the "elf" delivered a blow that drew **blood,** making a small cut in the blonde kid's face. "Ah!" The "paladin" cried. Deciding this had gone far enough, Dane ran up and punched the "elf" in the back of the head, causing him to stagger forward.

"Ow!" The "elf" cried.

"I think you need a lesson on not playing rough, pal." Dane said, holding up his fist with an excpression that said that he meant it.

"You'll pay! No one messes with the High Jew Elf!" The "elf" replied and ran away.

Dane turned his attention to the "paladin."

"Thanks kid! I didn't realize he had a health potion." The "paladin" said, he then let out a gasp as he looked at look at Dane.

"Hey! You're the new kid in town right? The Wizard King told of your arrival! Come! We must make haste to Kupa Keep! Your destiny lies there!" The "paladin" explained. Dane looked at him quizzically. _"What's with this guy? Is he some kind of RPer? And how'd this "Wizard King" learn about me? The grape vine? And what does he want with me? I'd better check this out."_ Dane thought.

"Hello? New kid?" The "paladin" asked.

"Okay, I'll come with you." Dane said.

"Whoopie! Alright, let's make haste to the castle!" The "paladin" said.

 _"Yep, definitely an RPer."_ Dane thought, but not insultingly. The two then began to walk down the sidewalk.

"So, what's your name, kid?" Dane asked.

"I'm Paladin Butters! I help protect the human lands of Zaron from the Drow Elves of Larnion. I'm in service of the Wizard King Cartman, but my true lord is justice!" Butters explained. "What's your name?" He continued.

"I'm Dane Simons." Dane stated.

"Oh, Dane! That's a cool name!" Butters complimented.

 _"I like this kid."_ Dane thought, smiling. He then noticed that Butters stopped in front of a green house.

"This is the home of the Wizard King!" Butters explained. After that, he noticed a cardboard medieval tower in the house's backyard. _"Yep, this is definitely the place."_ Dane thought. The two then entered. They quickly walked through the living room, then the kitchen, where Dane noticed an attractive, brown haired woman in a blue shirt sweeping the floor. _"Huh, MILF."_ Dane thought as he watched her sweep. The two then exited to the backyard.

They walked into the backyard, and Dane was shocked at what he saw.

The entire place looked like a small medieval fair. A crudely made castle consisting of two cardboard towers and a tent stood in the center of it with two red banners with what looked like stars in the center. A "stables," made up of what resembled a makeshift wrestling ring with kitty litter in it instead of a mat. Dane also saw a kid in a lime green shirt with his tongue sticking out tending to the grey cat inside. To the right of that was a table with weapons and armor labeled "Armory", with a kid in a red coat and helmet apparently running it. Next to that was a stump that had a sign that read "Training Stump." A few dummies stood near the rock as if ready to attack it.

"Ah! I see Sir Butters has retrieved the New Kid as I requested!" Dane heard a high pitched yet somehow gravelly voice say. It was then he noticed two people standing in front of the castle. One was an overweight boy wearing wizard clothes holding a staff. The other was a girl(?) who was sort of dressed like Zelda.

"Yes, m'lord. He aided me in defeating an elf that was trying to foil my quest." Butters explained.

"Hmm, he must have been trying to get to the New Kid before you were. Damn crafty elves." The "wizard king" said. "No matter! We got to the New Kid first and that's all that matters! Welcome, lad, to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" The "wizard king" said.

Dane look at him quizzically. "K.K.K? Like the racists?" Dane asked.

The "wizard king" sighed. "No, not like those fags. Why does everyone say that?" The "wizard king" stated.

"Okay, fine, so what do you guys want from me?" Dane asked, wanting some answers.

"Yes, of course you must have some questions. You see, New Kid, humans are being threatened by the elves of Larnion. We had nearly lost hope until Coldwell Banker prophesied your arrival. You could possess the strength to tun the tide in the war. Do this and you will be a part of my kingdom. Oh, and by the way you may address me as Wizard King Cartman, Your Majesty or His Mightiest Dong." Cartman explained.

"What makes you think I'd want to be a part of your kingdom?" Dane asked, not seeing any benefit in going along with this game yet.

"Because if you don't we'll tell everyone at school you're uncool and no one will want to play with you." Cartman stated bluntly, momentarily breaking character.

"What?!" Dane gasped.

"The choice is yours."

 _"Shit. If I say no I'll be an outcast forever, and my parents will be disappointed that I didn't fit in. I guess I've gotta play along."_

"Fine, I'll join." Dane said bitterly.

"Excellent choice, New Kid, now for your first quest. But first, please tell us, thy name." Cartman asked.

"I'm Dane Simons." Dane said.

"You have chosen the name, "Douchebag," are you sure you'd like to keep that name?" Cartman said, wearing a shit eating grin on his face. Dane heard some of the other kids laughing, including Butters.

"No, fatass, I said DANE SIMONS." Dane said, getting angry.

 _"Oh, I'm a fatass am I? Gues that nickname's gonna stick."_ Cartman thought. "Very well Douchebag, you will now choose a class. Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew." Cartman said, lying four cards on the table that displayed pictures of said classes. Dane picked up the Fighter card becaus he liked it, once he did, he began to feel woozy and his vision started getting blurry. He stumbled, but before he could Butters caught him. "Whoah there, Douchebag." He said, helping Dane up. The anger from being called that shocked Dane out of his stupor. "I'm-I'm fine, I'm okay. I'll be a Fighter." Dane said groggily, standing up.

"Alright, then. We welcome you to our kingdom, Douchebag the Fighter!"


	2. Chapter 2: Battlerage

**Chapter 2:** Battlerage

Dane was still recovering from his strange episode as Cartman continued talking.

"Alright, Douchebag. If you're going to be a Fighter, you're going to need a weapon. Go buy a sword from Clyde." The fat wizard instructed.

Dane went over to the Armory and talked to the kid in the helmet, who was apparently was called Clyde. He was pretty average looking up close.

"I'd like a sword, please." Dane said.

"Alright, that'll be about three dollars." Clyde said.

Dane instantly grew angry. First they blackmailed him into their game and now they're extorting him!?

"THE FUCK? I have to pay real money!? You're kidding right?" Dane exclaimed.

"Sorry, Douchebag. It's just how the game is played, and I feel you, this helmet cost me ten bucks." Clyde apologized.

Dane growled as he reached in his pocket and handed him the money. " _That's practically all the money my parents gave me. Now I only have a dollar."_

Clyde handed him a crudely made wooden sword. "Many thanks, hero."

"Yeah, whatever." Dane stated bitterly, holding the sword up to inspect it. Despite its poor craftsmanship it looked like it would last a few hits. _"Speaking of which…"_ Dane then looked towards Cartman, who was impatiently checking his watch. Dane gripped the sword and imagined breaking it over his head, but took a deep breath and calmed himself. " _He's not worth it, Dane, just relax and get through this, who knows? I might even have fun."_ He thought optimistically.

"Yo, Douchebag! Hurry the fuck up already! I don't have all day!" Cartman screeched. Dane grumbled as he walked towards the self-proclaimed wizard king.

"Ah, excellent, you have procured a might blade! Now to teach you how to fight and- "

"I already know how to fight." Dane interrupted.

Cartman raised anm eyebrow. "Oh really? Well then, how about we test your might? Clyde! Get over here!" He yelled, Clyde then walked over. "Fight Sir Clyde and let us see your skills, Douchebag."

Clyde readied himself, lifting up his sword, which looked a lot better made than Dane's it appeared to be plastic and even had a silvery sheen. "En garde!" Clyde exclaimed, readying himself. Dane got into a stance, lifting his sword in front of him and preparing for an attack. A small crowd had gathered, the kids Dane had first seen and some ones he failed to notice, all wearing different sets of armor made of junk, formed a circle around Dane and Clyde. Murmurs came up from the crowd.

"Who's that kid?"

"He's the new one, Cartman calls him Douchebag but I think he said his real name's Danny or some shit."

"Huh, he's fighting Clyde, think he'll lose?"

"Nah Clyde will, he's a total pussy."

"I'll take that bet."

Cartman raised his hand. _"Think you're a badass huh? Well let's see you play the game without knowing the rules Douchbag."_ He thought, then threw his hand down on the arm of his throne and yelled aloud: "FIGHT!"

As soon as Cartman spoke Dane charged, swinging his wooden sword at Clyde's abdomen. The boy caught it with his own blade barely, and skidded back a few feet. "Holy shit!" He exclaimed. The kids around them started cheering and hollering. Dane continued to push, trying to get Clyde out of the ring they were in. Seeing what he was trying to do, Clyde broke the struggle and jumped to the side quickly, causing Dane to fall on his hands and knees. Clyde took the opportunity to swing his sword into Dane's back, causing him to cry out. Cartman laughed.

Dane growled as anger and pain coursed through his body. Figuring that Clyde was getting ready for another swing, Dane pushed himself off the ground and slammed his body into Clyde's, who was indeed preparing to swing at him again, Clyde cried pitifully as Dane quickly turned the tables and had Clyde on the ground.

"Yield." Dane stated, point his sword at the downed Clyde.

"Never!" Clyde yelled defiantly. He quickly gathered himself and jabbed at Dane, who sidestepped his attack and tried to knock the blade out of Clyde's hand with a swing downwards on it. Clyde held fast however and slash at Dane's face, hitting him and cutting his lip open. Dane cried out and held his mouth. "OW! Time out! I'm actually hurt!" The kids around Dane laughed, the new kid became confused.

Cartman laughed again. "What a pitiful excuse for a Fighter! Here in Zaron, we fight through any pain, any bloody wound! If thou canst bear the sight of thine own blood than thou don't belong here! Clyde! Finish him so we can throw his ass from ourst realm!"

"Yes, sire!" Clyde agreed, grinning.

Realization dawned on Dane. " _These kids don't fuck around. If I'm going to get through this, I can't hold back."_ He then charged at Clyde as the other boy prepared to jab at him again. Dane dodged and swung his sword at Clyde's ribs, not caring if he broke any. The boy cried as contact was made and staggered.

"Payback time, bitch." Dane stated as he quickly followed up his attack with a slash to the stomach that actually tore the kid's jacket. He then swung the flat of his blade at Clyde's face three times and followed it up with a series of jabs at his abdomen, then gripped his blade with both hands and spun around, delivering a blow that broke his sword and sent Clyde flying from the ring, the crowd of kids parted as he fell to the ground, moaning, his sword at Dane's feet. Putting the broken wooden sword in his pocket he picked up Clyde's weapon. "To the winner go the spoils. Sorry, Clyde, but that's just how things go in Zaron, right, oh Wizard King?" Dane said cheekily, turning to Cartman.

The fat boy was stunned; he hadn't expected Dane to have any skills. Everyone looked at him expectantly.

"U-Uh yes! Well done, Douchebag. Sir Clyde, pick up whatever is left of your pride and balls and get back to the Armory." Cartman ordered as he approached Dane. Clyde did so, glaring at Dane as he went back to his post, everyone started murmuring again.

"Holy shit! Did you see that?!"

"Yeah! He mopped the floor with Clyde! I've never seen anyone fight that good."

"His Dad probably taught him those sweet moves, maybe he's a vet."

Cartman put his hand on Dane's shoulder and guided him inside the tent. Within was a throne and tons of miscellaneous stuff. The two approached one at the center of the room on a crudely made podium, it was a stick on a velvet pillow, a light hanging above it. Dane raised an eyebrow.

"This is the Stick of Truth, said to be the toothpick of Bahamut, it fell into the Valley of Stardust long ago. Imbued with the power of the gods, it gives whoever holds it unbelievable power. Many wars have been waged in pursuit of it over the last millennia. We managed to retrieve it from the drow a few days ago. Our dying kingdom was restored by its light." Cartman explained.

Dane looked at it, the stick didn't appear to be anything special. _"They could have decorated it or something."_ Dane thought.

"Don't look at it for too long! Its power can blind you!" Cartman exclaimed, turning Dane around. "I'm sure your very excited to be a part of MY kingdom, Douchebag. Now, however we need to talk business. You see, being a member of the K.K.K. requires a payment of thirty dollars a month with additional related fees of- "Cartman began to explain before Clyde came in.

"Sire! The drow are attacking!" He yelled frantically.

"What?! So soon? Crap! Douchebag come with me! Clyde you guard the stick!" Cartman barked. The two then left the tent. Outside was chaos, dozens of kids were fighting. The "drow" looked like the kid from before, some had wreaths of leaves and orange robes and were throwing rocks, others had shields made of wooden planks and others had bows and arrows.

Dane was momentarily confused. _"These are the drow? They look more like regular elves. Do these guys even know what a drow elf is?"_ He thought, but quickly snapped to attention as several "drow" noticed them and converged.

"It's the New Kid and the King! Kill'em!" One of the "drow" yelled as the group charged. Dane took count, there were five, three with swords and shields and two with bows. Dane charged forward and slammed the pommel of his sword into the nearest one's temple, he crumpled instantly. "Holy shit!" One yelled to his left, he switched hands and slashed behind him, following the kid's voice. He apparently made contact as he heard the same voice shriek. Dane then cried out as he felt several sharp thing stab into his body. He looked at where the pain came from, his legs, and saw two toy arrows with **real** arrow heads tied to their ends. They were poorly carved and didn't cut too deep, but still broke the skin enough to stick there. A "drow" elf swordsmen swung at his side and Dane cried out again, falling to his hands and knees, still clutching his sword. The one he struck before joined in, battering him with strikes to the back, his comrade soon joined him and they beat him hard.

"This'll teach you shit!"

"That fucking hurt you asshole!"

"Make him pay for what he did to Max!"

Dane clutched his sword tightly and pushed his body upwards slamming his head right one elf's jaw, dislodging a tooth. He then ran jabbed his blade into the other's forehead and followed it up with a head butt. The pain in his legs reminded him of the archers, who were readying a second volley. Dane roared and charged, kneeing the one on the right hard in the crotch with his forward momentum, causing him to cough blood.

"You make me bleed…" He said darkly, turning toward the last one, who looked scared. "I make **you** bleed." He then took one of the arrows from the fallen archer and rushed his friend, stabbing the arrow into his arm and then smacking him to the ground. Dane's vision began to go red as he turned his attention to the rest of the elves. Beating them mercilessly.

Soon a horn rang across the battlefield. "Retreat! Retreat! This kid's fucking insane!" An elf cried. This caused the other elves to flee.

Dane began to calm down as he saw them retreat. He then looked down at himself, his clothes were torn and apparently a few arrows had wound up lodged in his right arm. He also had bruises all over his body that caused pain he was only now noticing, his sword also had some blood on it.

"The…hell?" Dane asked tiredly as exhaustion came over him, he then collapsed, the world turning black.


	3. Chapter 3: Voices in the Void

**Chapter 3:** Voices in the Void

Cartman's backyard looked like a warzone, (which technically it was,) unconscious kids lay scattered all over, and some of Kupa Keep had been damaged. The Armory had been flipped upside down, scattering weapons everywhere, the Training Stump had a penis carved into it and the dummies near it had been knocked down.

" _Shit_." Cartman thought as he surveyed the damage. " _Fucking Kyle screwed us royal. Well two can play at that game, Jew."_

Butters set Dane in a chair and began bandaging son of his wounds, including some he'd gotten from Clyde. Soon band aids covered his body and Butters stepped away to stand next to Cartman.

"The drow attack has hit us hard, milord." Butters stated nervously, looking around.

"Yes, the elves cowardly bid to take the Stick of Truth was vicious. But as long as we have the holy tool of Bahamut we can rebuild with but a mere thought. Rest assured this is only a setback. The High Jew Elf and his foul minions will never take our treasure!" Cartman stated loudly, holding up his staff to inspire his men. The others, even the wounded who were still conscious, cheered.

But this was soon stopped by Clyde.

"It's gone."

Cartman did a double take. "What?"

"The stick, they took it." Clyde stated bluntly, showing not an ounce of concern.

Cartman quickly went from boisterous to angry and got in Clyde's face. "THAT WAS YOUR ONE FUCKING JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" Cartman roared. He then backed off and stated a bit quieter but still pissed. "Clyde. You are banished from SPACE AND TIME!"

"What?! That's not fair! I was still wounded from fighting the New Kid!" Clyde whined.

"No excuses! You're banished from space and time and that means you have to go back to the real world. Go now before I castrate you!" Cartman yelled, taking Clyde's helmet and scarf. The newly-banished boy walked off sullenly as the other members of the Keep jeered and insulted him. As he neared the screen door, he looked back at the still unconscious Dane.

" _You'll pay for this, Douchebag."_

The next half-hour was spent repairing Kupa Keep. It wouldn't have taken so long were it not for the prisoners. A new prison made up of cat cages and a chicken wire fence had been constructed, labeled "Kupa Keep Dungeon" with a small hut made up of plywood around it.

During that time, Dane was still unconscious. And Butters and Kenny were getting worried. They approached Cartman, who was formulating a new plane inside the Keep.

"Uh, Wizard King? Can we talk about the New Kid?" Butters asked.

Cartman looked away from the map he was studying. "You mean Douchebag? What about him?"

"Well, he's been asleep for half an hour. Maybe we should take him to the hospital?" Butters suggested.

Keen chimed in with his high pitched, muffled voice. "(Yeah, and the last thing we need is his parents suing us or something.)"

"Guys, it'll be fine. The other unconscious kids woke up no problem." Cartman said nonchalantly, turning back to the map.

"(But the New Kid looked pretty bad. Plus, he had fought Clyde before, maybe that added to the trauma or something.) Kenny stated.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Fine, you pussies, I'll go wake him up myself." He said, opening a nearby box and taking out a hypo with a clear liquid inside.

"What's that?" Butters asked.

"A Hyper Revive Potion, it can stir any who have fallen in battle." Cartman explained, moving outside. The other two followed.

"(Uh, okay. But what is it really?" Kenny asked as they approached Dane.

"Oh, just some adrenaline." Cartman stated.

"(Wait, WHAT!? HOLD-)"

But before Kenny or Butters could do anything, Cartman had already injected it.

Dane felt like he was floating, only there was no water and he couldn't move his body. In front of him were pin pricks of light that grew then flowed around him like streams of water, one light remained in front of him. It shined brightly, though he couldn't see inside, and then voices poured from it.

" _He's not ready."_

" _Will you be there?"_

" _Stupid DOG!"_

" _We should just terminate him."_

" _Is it going to hurt?"_

" _GET THE FUCK UP RUNT!"_

" _It didn't take."_

" _So I just focus?"_

" _GET UP DOUCHEBAG!"_

" _Dane- "_

" _GET UP DOUCHEBAG!"_

" _Su- "_

" _ **GET THE FUCK UP, DOUCHEBAG!"**_

The dream faded and Dane was back in the real world, he wasn't just awake though, Dane felt downright **hyper**. His body twitched as he could feel it's every pulsation, every mote of dirt that fell upon it, every blink, every nerve felt like it was a separate part of him.

"H-H-Hol-ly Sh-Sh-Shit…. what happened? Why do I feel like I'm on METH?!" Dane asked nervously, his mind racing, every horrible scenario going through his head.

"Don't worry, Douchebag. I just used a Hyper Revive Potion to bring you back from the cold embrace of death, you're welcome, by the way." Cartman explained.

"FUCKING WHAT?!" Dane yelled.

"Relax, Douchebag, it was just some adrenaline." Butters said, patting his back.

Dane's feared eased somewhat. Okay, he was just suuuuper hyper. That was fine, he just needed to work it out of his system. He tried to calm himself down, taking deep, ragged breaths. Butter rubbed circles on his back to try and calm him further. Cartman however, put his hands behind his back and started pacing.

"Yes, I'm sure your near-death experience has rattled you, Douchebag. But I'm afraid you have no time for rest, none of us do. You see, while you were slipping into the next world, those rotten, cock sucking drow elves took the Stick of Truth, now we must take it back."

Dane was still shaking, but was calmer now. "F-Fine, what d-do we do next?"

"Well, due to your exceptional ass-kicking skills you displayed at the Battle of Kupa Keep. I have decided to give you an opportunity at knighthood. You are to gather the best Fighters of Zaron, Sir Token, Feldspar the Thief, and Tweek the Mongrel."

"Alright, fine. Whatever, where are they?" Dane asked, getting up.

"I'll mark the locations on your map. Gather the three and then come back so we may strategize for the retrieval of the stick." Cartman said, taking Dane's phone and activating the GPS map on it. He pinned several places on the map of South Park. "There. I understand this will be a daunting task, as the elves are surely out for revenge after you inflicted such grievous injury upon them. But rest assured we will not send you unprepared. Come with me to the Training Stump, where I will teach you the secrets of magic." Cartman explained, moving towards the newly-uncocked Training Stump.

Dane was unsure Cartman could teach him anything, but went along with it, if only to burn off some excess energy.

"The art of magic I will teach you is ancient, based off the power of dragons, the Dragonshout."

"You mean like Skyrim?" Dane asked.

Cartman grew defensive. "NO! Not like fucking Skyrim! Here, I'll demonstrate."

Cartman got in front of one of the training dummies and turned away, then leaned forward and scrunched his face in concentration. "First, you must focus the mana inside you…" He explained, Dane could then hear a rumbling sound coming from him.

"Then, once it is at the right frequency, you release it into a glorious blast!" Cartman punctuated this statement with a nasty fart that actually cause the dummy to shake.

Dane actually laughed, of course this fastass would use nasty farts as magic. Well, he had always been told he'd had nasty farts so this would be no problem.

"Alright, see if you can do it too. But be warned, none have ever fully mastered the Dragonshout in any short- "

Dane had already gotten in front of a dummy and blasted out a louder and nastier fart than Cartman, it actually pushed the dummy back a bit. Cartman was stunned. _"Damn! That was pretty gnarly! Oh fuck and it sticks worse too! What does this kid eat?"_ He thought, but quickly composed himself, trying his best to ignore the smell.

"My…in all my time I've never seen a shout so…boisterous. Are the legends true? Has the Dragonborn come in our hour of need?" Cartman asked.

"Okay, now I _know_ you're ripping off Skyrim." Dane said bluntly.

"Shut up! Anyway, to further aid your quest I'll bestow upon you the Warrior's Garment, basic gear for any K.K.K. recruit, as well as the aid of Paladin Butters on your quest." Cartman stated, handing Dane a red headband, and what looked like a pair of gardening gloves.

"Usually we also give a Grunt Sword too, but you broke it in Clyde's face, so just keep the one you took from him, it's better anyway." Cartmen stated.

Dane looked around for it after putting on his meager equipment. Apparently, someone had put it in it's sheath and strapped it to his pants. He unsheathed it and inspected it. It was a toy scimitar with plastic jewels on it and a gold handle. Dane hadn't noticed the difference in type initially, more focused on humiliating Clyde by taking it. He felt a little bad for it, but then again Clyde had cut his lip. Remembering the injury, he felt at his lip and found it had begun to heal, thinking on his other injuries, he looked down and saw someone had bothered to bandage him, a thing he was grateful for.

" _At least one of these assholes is decent."_ Dane thought.

"Yes a fine weapon, I believe Clyde found it during our expedition to the ruins of Ye Olde Coin Tree. Anyway, be off now, for our time for reprisal runs short." Cartman said, shooing him away.

Dane turned to leave, Butters joining him. Dane's body still felt electrified, but it was beginning to fade, and hopefully it would be gone quicker on the way to gather the others.

As they stepped from out of Cartman's front door, the sun shone in the afternoon sky, as if a blessing on their journey. The two stepped on the sidewalk and began making their way east to "Feldspar's" house.

"Hey Butters, do you know who patched me up? I'd like to thank them." Dane asked.

"Oh! Well that was me. I figured you'd be awful sore when you woke up and wanted to help." Butters explained.

Dane smiled. "Thanks man. Feels nice to have met someone who isn't a complete prick."

Butters smiled back. "No problem Douc- Err, Dane. It's my duty to help any friends in need!"

Dane continued smiling as they neared the house. Grateful for any positivity after the awful start of the day.

" _Well Mom and Dad, it may not have been how I envisioned it, but I made a friend like you wanted._


	4. Chapter 4: Bear Hunt

**Chapter 4:** Bear Hunt

"FUCK!"

Dane and Butters had decided to go and get "Feldspar," (who Butters said was really named Craig,) since he was closest. But had just found out that the thief was in detention. Dane, as you can probably guess, was none too pleased.

"Great, now we're probably going to have to bust him out." Dane stated irritably, stomping in the direction of Token's house, Butters following.

"Don't worry Dane, I'm sure it won't be so bad. This isn't the first time Craig's been in detention." Butters assured.

"Yeah, but tomorrow's my first day of school, I don't want to leave a bad first impression." Dane explained, calming a bit, but then getting saddened. " _I've done that enough already."_

"Well who knows, maybe in your costume the teachers won't know it's you." Butters said, trying to reassure his new friend that everything would be okay.

"Yeah, maybe you're right. Anyway, what can I expect from the other two? Are they delinquents like how this Craig guy sounds?" Dane asked.

"Uh, not really. Tweek gets in trouble sometimes, but that's due to his ADHD, he doesn't like getting in trouble because it stresses him out. Token is a straight A student and doesn't get involved in shenanigans too much." Butters explained.

"Ah, so one is hyper and the other one's boring. Got ya." Dane stated.

The two had now entered the town square. A four-way intersection led to other parts of town. Dane rechecked his phone to make sure they were going the right way. He then started studying the map to get a better look at the town. It appeared they had just left the suburbs, and this was downtown. Sliding through the map he saw other places, a building on a hilltop, a mall, the school, a volcano(?) and a few miles away he saw a Casa Bonita. And encompassing everything was a huge forest. Curious, he widened the map and saw that South Park actually lied in a valley with four other towns, North, West East, and Center Park. All of them together formed Park County.

" _Wow, the settlers weren't very creative when founding this place."_ Dane thought.

"Dane! C'mon! Token's house is this way!" Butters yelled from a few feet away, apparently Dane had spent the last five minutes going over the map and had let butters get ahead of him.

"Shit! Sorry!" Dane apologized, tucking his phone away, he ran to catch up.

Eventually they made it to Token's house, though calling it a "house," was an understatement.

" _HOLY SHIT! THIS KID MUST BE LOADED!"_ Dane thought as he and Butters approached the massive mansion. It was wider than any house he had ever seen, looking like three houses mashed together. In front of it was a gate with a guard posted out front.

Dane approached the guard. "Uh, hey. We're friends of Token and would like to see him."

"Sorry, sir. But I can't let you in if you don't have the door code or a registered ID with this establishment." The guard stated blandly.

Dane was confused. "An ID? But this is someone's house not a business - "

"Move along sir, or else I'll have to use force on you." The guard warned, putting a hand on his mace.

Butters grabbed Dane's shoulder. "Come one, Dane. We can come back later or- "

Dane shrugged the paladin's hand off. "No, I'm not going to be pushed around by some dumbass with a worthless badge. See here asshole I- "

The guard quickly took out his mace and sprayed Dane in the face with it. The burning was unlike any pain he'd ever felt before. Like someone shoving a thousand pinpricks into his eyes at once or using white hot flames to char them for sadistic pleasure. The boy let out a scream and fell to his knees.

"Move along sir, or else I'll be forced to do that again." The guard warned again, his voice showing disinterest even after having hurt a child.

"Alright! We'll go just please don't do that again!" Butters pleaded, dragging the hurt Dane away. He brought Dane over to the nearby Senior Center and asked one of the old ladies for a water bottle to wash Dane's eyes out. The old lady obliged and handed it to Butters, who after a few minutes, cleared the mace out of Dane's eyes enough that he could see. The new kid forgot to thank Butters though, as with the pain receding he could focus on his anger at the security guard.

"THAT MOTHERFUCKER!" Dane yelled.

"Whoa! Easy there Dane! He was just doing his job!" Butters said, trying to calm his friend.

"NO HE WASN'T! HIS JOB IS TO GUARD THE PROPERTY NOT MACE KIDS! I'M GONNA GET HIM BACK FOR THIS! I SWEAR!" Dane raged.

"Okay okay! But how?" Butters asked.

This gave Dane pause, with that mace the security guard could stop him no matter how he approached him, not to mention he may also have a Taser, what to do…

Suddenly, a ping sounded from Dane's phone. He took it out and saw it was for his Facebook profile. He rarely paid attention to it, but for some reason always accrued followers quickly. It didn't help that he had it set to auto accept every friend request, but he figured it was better to have a bloated account than to upset anyone over nothing. Opening the Facebook app showed him his feed, and in it was a message from Cartman.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Dude! Someone just posted a video of you getting maced! It's so funny! Especially when you know it's coming! Oh god. Ah, but seriously, you need to find a way past that guy." The message read. Dane started getting angry again, but before he could start yelling, he noticed the new message was actually the one BELOW Cartman's.

"Jimbo's Guns sells a wide variety of hunting equipment for any situation." It read, apparently from the titular Jimbo.

"I guess we're going to Jimbo's Guns." Dane stated, pocketing his phone.

"Why?" Butters asked.

"He sent me a text, apparently he has something that can help us get past that guard." Dane explained as the two headed west away from Token's House.

"Oh! That was nice of him." Butters said, smiling.

"Yeah, though I don't know how he could possibly have something to help us. It's not like we wanna kill him, even after he maced me." Dane said.

The two soon reached the gun shop, opening the door and being met with country music. The inside of the shop was, unsurprisingly, covered with guns, from the walls to various racks. Amidst these armaments were also various knives, a few swords, and even explosives.

 _"Holy shit, I've moved around a lot and I've never seen so many weapons in one place! The fuck kind of hunting do people around here do?!"_ Dane thought.

"Ah! You must be that New Kid I've heard about!"

Dane was ripped out of his thoughts by a somewhat nasally voice that he saw belonged to a man behind the sales counter that must have been Jimbo. He wore a big orange hunter's hat, a green vest, an orange shirt, and brown pants.

"Uh yeah, you said you had something to help me get past the gate?" Dane asked.

"Oh yeah, that. Well ya see I have two gas masks that would keep you from getting maced." Jimbo explained plainly.

"Oh great! So how much- "

 _"But."_ Jimbo interrupted.

 _"Here we go."_ Dane thought irritably.

Jimbo walked over to a nearby box and picked out a pack of salmon. "I need you to go get me some supplies. Ya see, in addition to running this fine shop of american finery, I also trade with other hunters in around the county. We each sell goods made from materials from the animals found in the woods around our towns. But because of the damn liberals strengthening their efforts to get rid of the second amendment, my sales have been dropping, so I've had to spend all my time trying to boost my business and haven't had time to hunt. I've been putting Ned to work promoting the shop so he can't help either." Jimbo explained.

"Oookay, so why have me do it?" Dane asked.

"Well you're new in town and wanna boost your rep right? I can help with that. I'm pretty popular with the other true americans in this town and can put in a good word for you. Also I can help you with the game you're playing by giving you the masks and more." Jimbo said, Dane perked up. "More?"

"Oh yeah. See in addition to hunting I also know how to craft some pretty badass shit from animal remains. You bring me parts from any critters you kill and I can give you gear for your game. From what I hear from my nephew the kids here tend to play rough. I even made him a sword from deer bones for this, so I thought I'd level the playing field by helping you out too. Because if there's one thing Jimbo Kern doesn't do is play favorites, even with family. Also doesn't help that my brother screwed me in poker last week." Jimbo explained, crossing his arms.

"Ah, okay, that actually sounds cool. I've always wanted to try hunting. So what do we kill?" Dane asked, getting excited at the prospect of hunting like a frontiersmen.

"A bear." Jimbo said.

Dane and Butters grew scared and exchanged glances, Jimbo apparently caught this and rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna have ya fight it yourselves ya dipshits! I'm not a dumbass! The salmon is for a bear trap. Place the trap where the bear's been sighted and wait. Then when he's caught, wait for him to bleed out then drag him back here. Perfectly safe." Jimbo explained, and the two calmed.

"Alright, sounds good. Where's the bear?" Dane asked.

"I'll mark it on your phone. Oh, and some other critters have been spotted in the area that I can use to craft some stuff and sell to the other towns, so keep an eye out for them. I'll even give you a finder's fee for the extra ones. You should be able to kill'em with the weapons you got." Jimbo said, Dane giving him his phone to mark the location. He then handed the kids the salmon and trap.

"Thanks. Uh, could we maybe get a real sword or maybe a knife from here later? I don't have the money now but when I do I wanna buy some of this, it looks fucking badass." Dane asked, looking around.

"I appreciate the thought, kid. But like I said, because of the damn liberals I can't even sell blade weapons to kids now. The stuff I can make is thankfully in a legal grey area so I can give it to you, but everything else is off limits." Jimbo said, frowning.

"Ah that sucks. Well we should get going on that hunt before Cartman and the others get impatient. It was good meeting you Mr. Kern." Dane said, shaking Jimbo's hand.

"You too, uh..."

"Dane, Dane Simons."

"Well, good ta meet ya Dane. I hope yer in town for a while." Jimbo said, waving as the two left.

After leaving the store, Butters got in close. "Dane, I don't know about this. Fighting the elves is one thing, but A BEAR?!" Butters said, shaking.

"Relax, Butters. Like Mr. Kern said, we won't actually fight it. We just have to trap it, watch it die, then drag it back."

"It's still pretty fucked up." Butters stated.

Dane thought for a minute. "Yeah, I guess it is, but we need those masks and that gear."

Butters looked at Dane questioningly. "I get the masks, but why the hunter gear? It feels optional at best."

Dane sighed. "Look, Butters, I'll level with you. I want this game to be over as soon as possible. Admittedly some of it is fun. But if I have to spend longer than a day taking orders from that fat shit while he insults me I think I'm gonna snap. So I'm taking any advantage I can to get the stick back quickly."

Butters was taken aback at his frankness. He understood the frustration, having dealt with Cartman for years himself, but didn't want their first adventure to be a chore for him. "I understand Dane. But you shouldn't let the Wizard King's attitude spoil your fun, sure you were forced into this, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. I mean, imagine how I'm doing, I serve directly under him and he still treats me like dirt. But at the end of the day I like playing pretend, I like being a paladin and smiting evil. And I can tell you like being a Fighter too." Butters stated, then shrugged. "Your free to feel however you want, but try and think about it, okay? I'd hate for your first adventure here to be horrible."

Dane contemplated this then put his hand on Butter's shoulder. "I will, thanks man."

"No problem. So, mighty Fighter, shall we go slay this beast?" Butters asked, changing into his 'knightly' voice. Dane smirked and imitated a warrior's growling tone.

"We shall, Sir Butters."

The two left as they head to the western side of South Park's forest.

The two trekked through the dark and mist shrouded woods, following the map on Dane's phone to the marked location of where Jimbo thought the bear may be. Unfortunately, this was hindered by the mist fogging up the phone.

"How the fuck is there this must mist in _Colorado_ _?_ Is a swamp near here or something?" Dane asked, rubbing his phone clear for the billionth time.

"Perhaps an evil elven wizard has cast a mistshroud spell to hinder our journey!" Butters exclaimed.

"Maybe." Dane agreed, it was possible the elf kids had somehow gotten hold of a fog machine or something. Dane gripped his sword's hilt in case they were ambushed.

Unbeknownst to both he and Butters, they were being stalked by something. But it wasn't any type of kid.

After a few more minutes of traveling, the two wound up at a four-way intersection. North was further shrouded by fog, but what was weird was this fog had weird, NES type music coming from it and seemed to be swirling around something. To the west it seemed like everywhere else, east was back the way they came, and south didn't have any mist at all and was incredibly dark, even though it was midday. Dane looked at his phone to check where they should go.

 _"Please be west, please be west, please be west."_ Dane prayed. And indeed the bear was west.

 _"Thank god."_

Dane pocketed his phone for the moment. "Alright Butters, the bear's location is that way, you ready?" He asked.

Butters raised his hammer. "Always comrade!"

Dane smiled."Alright, let's do this."

The two entered the clearing Jimbo had directed them to, there was a stream that flowed through the area, its soft noise casting a calm vibe across the area.

"Oh, this is nice." Butters said, looking around.

"Yeah, this must be where the bear drinks, so it probably comes here often, which means we should set up the trap right away." Dane stated, taking out the trap and salmon from his backpack and setting it up, placing it near the stream.

"Wow, Dane, how'd you know how to do that? I thought you never went camping." Butters asked as the two moved to the bushes around the clearing to hide.

Dane did a double take. "That's a good question. I don't know." Dane answered looking down and thinking hard, trying to dredge up a memory explaining how he knew, but just couldn't for some reason.

"Come to think of it, how do you fight so well? You messed the elves up bad back at Kupa Keep. None of us can fight that good." Butters pushed, extremely curious about his friend's strange talents.

Dane thought again, his head started to hurt as he desperately pushed to remember, but try as he might, he couldn't recall anything, not even a fragment. "I don't know. I've always just known how to fight. At the other towns I've lived I got into scraps with bullies, I've never really though where it came from before, just focused on the fighting and what came after." Dane explained. "Something new happened when I was fighting the elves too, after being hurt pretty badly I flew into some kind of berserker rage, I didn't feel any pain up until the fight ended, and after that it hit me all at once."

Butters was at a loss for words. "That's...kind of scary."

Dane silently agreed, and things were deathly quiet after that.

Soon the forest shook with the sounds of the approaching beast, roars accompanying them. Butters shrieked but was muffled by Dane's hand clamping over his mouth before they could be spotted. The bear they were hunting then entered the clearing, and Dane was awed by the sight of it.

It was some sort of albino, and it was big. Its white fur shimmered in the light that poured from the canopy, making it appear to shine. Scars were littered across its hide, and its eyes were a deep crimson, shining with intelligence. It sniffed around, apparently looking for something. Dane tensed and Butters let out a muffled whimper.

 _"Please don't let it smell us."_ Dane prayed desperately.

His prayers were answered when the bear instead smelled the salmon in the trap and moved towards it. The albino sniffed and then began taking a few bites, then suddenly the trap sprang.

Unfortunately, the albino snapped his head back, the trap apparently too small to catch him in time. The bear roared and began sniffing, then growled low as it caught the scent of the two boys that had tried to kill it, it then charged toward them. The two boys screamed and ran madly away, entering the clearing in a blind rush to get away. The two jumped up on a nearby boulder to get some distance from the angry albino, who roared at them and tried to climb the boulder, even slamming into it to knock it down

"Whatta we do?!" Butters wailed. Dane grabbed a hold of him.

"Butters calm down. We'll be fine, okay? We just need to kill it." Dane said.

"WHAT?! WE CAN'T KILL A BEAR! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Butters cried louder, Dane shook him.

"BUTTERS LISTEN! We can't run away, we'll just be easy prey that way. We NEED to kill it, and I have a plan how. I'll go down there and draw its attention from the front and avoid its claws while you wail on his ass with your hammer and break its legs. After that it'll be easy to kill it. Understand?" Dane explained.

Butters had calmed a bit, but was still nervous. "B-B-But what if I screw up or -"

"You won't screw up Butters, just wack its legs. Now, ready on 1, 2, 3!" Dane said, jumping down and wacking the bear in the eye with his scimitar. This enrage it and caused it to chase after him. Butters, shaking, calmed down the boulder and hid behind it, waiting for the right moment. Dane, meanwhile, dodged the bear's blows nimbly, as if he had been doing it all his life, jumping and rolling around the bear's claws until he had been cornered in front of a tree, the bear readying itself to pounce. Seeing that this was his chance, Butters ran forward and bashed the albino in the ass with his hammer a few times in rapid succession, trying to break his bones. The bear roared bashed Butters in the face with its behind, sending him flying into a tree and then flopping on to the ground.

"BUTTERS!" Dane yelled, rolling out of the way as the bear finally lunged at him. Dane then tried to retreat to the boulder, but the bear blocked his way, swatting the ground with its paw. Dane then began thinking of a plan, any plan that could get them out of this.

 _"If I could just get at that things throat or something then this would be easy."_ Dane thought, then finally came up with a plan. He shifted his run toward the direction of a tree, and ran faster than he ever had before, the albino in hot pursuit. As he reached the tree, Dane adjusted his step so that he would run up it, and did. He ran upwards until gravity caught up with him halfway up, then vaulted before he could fall and fell towards the back of the bear, hoping to get on its back so he could then slit its throat with his sword.

The albino was clever though, having lived many years, it could spy a tactic like this. And so it quickly sprang up and knocked Dane away with its back, throwing him on to the clearing's floor and skipping him like a stone into a tree trunk. Dane moaned as his body filled with pain, his sword laying in front of him. The bear huffed and moved towards him, intent on devouring the foolish cub who thought he could kill the apex predator of the forest.

Unexpectedly, a harsh wail filled the area and before the bear could react, something dense and heavy slammed into his testicles, utterly destroying them.

The bear couldn't even muster a roar and merely let out a pitiful whimper as it collapsed, shaking the ground. Dane looked up confused, then saw Butters standing a few feet behind the bear, gasping and his hand in a throwing position.

Grabbing his sword Dane prepared to get up when suddenly the bear beat him to it and shot up, roaring murder and turning towards Butters, his bloodshot eyes tearing into his soul.

Butters pissed himself and broke into a run, desperate trying to get away from the beast that wanted him dead. Dane shot up and jumped on to the albino's back before he could take off, the latter not noticing, lost in its rage. Dane began prodding at it with his scimitar, desperately trying to kill him before he caught his friend. The bear crashed through trees and bushes as it chased the poor blonde boy, who was giving his all to keep ahead of it, but his strength was limited and the bear began to close in. Dane gave up on stabbing and put all his strength into slicing, slamming the blade's edge hard into the albino's hide. After a few hits the blade snapped in half. Dane cursed but then noticed that it was now much more sharp, like a real blade.

Dane wasted no time and took the blade's hilt in both hands, and stabbed into the back of the bear's neck. The bear roared in pain, finally noticing Dane. He began to buck, trying to throw the boy off, but Dane held fast on to the bear's fur, and continued to stab with a single hand, causing blood to flow from the bear's back and neck. The bear's thrashing seemed to slow, but then in one quick motion he rushed up, putting all his remaining strength in throwing Dane off, it succeeded, the boy flew into the air. He still held on to his blade though and looked down, seeing that the bear was right below him, apparently being too hurt to run anymore. Dane smiled and got into a downward thrust position, his blade ready as he fell back down. The boy's weapon slammed into the bear's skull, and blood spurted like a fountain from it. The albino collapsed, broken.

Dane climbed down from the bear's back and saw Butters in front of him. The two looked at each other silently until both burst into laughter happy to be alive.


	5. Chapter 5: Rewards and Revenge

**Chapter 5: Rewards and Revenge**

Dane and Butters rolled the albino bear's corpse back to the entrance to the forest. This took two hours and by the end the duo was exhausted, plopping down in front of the corpse to rest.

"Ah geez Dane, I can't go on much longer! This bear weighs a ton!" Butters complained, wheezing.

"I know. But don't worry, it's only a few more feet 'till we get to Jimbo's. Then we can get the masks and kick the shit out of that jackass who made us do this quest." Dane stated, also breathing heavily.

"You mean Jimbo?" Butters asked.

"No, I mean the security guard. Although, I am pretty pissed at him for not telling us how dangerous that thing was." Dane said.

"Oh. Yeah, it's weird his trap didn't work, he's pretty good at this sort of thing. Maybe it was a mistake?" Butters asked.

"Probably. Still he should've checked to see if the thing would work." Dane complained, but then reclined on the bear's corpse, closing his eyes. "But whatever, it's over and we can get the masks. Let's just hope nothing else stupid happens- "

"DOUCHEBAG!"

Dane groaned. "Son of a bitch…"

The two looked up to see that a squadron of elves was coming their way. They were composed of five warriors, two druids, a couple archers and one that had a gas mask, purple armor with chains adorning it, and a heated hunter's knife.

Dane and Butters quickly shot to their feet. " _HOLY SHIT! THAT'S A REAL KNIFE! THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERBODY?!"_ Dane yelled in his head, panicking inwardly, but managed to keep a stoic expression on his face. Butters, however, was shaking and clutching his hammer with both hands. Dane stepped forward. "What do you want?" He asked, putting as much anger and intimidation in his voice as he could.

The one with the gas mask stepped forward and crossed his arms. "We seek vengeance on you,  
Douchebag, for your heinous actions at the Battle of Kupa Keep. Your unnecessary brutality will not be tolerated by the drow elves. Now surrender and come with us or we will be forced to take you violently."

Dane gritted his teeth and looked around for an escape path. They couldn't take these guys, they were outnumbered and outgunned, not to mention exhausted from fighting the bear-

" _THAT'S IT!"_

Dane relaxed his stance and surprised everyone by laughing, including Butters.

"HAHAHAHAHA! You dumbasses think you can beat us! That's the funniest thing I've heard since I got here!" Dane mocked, laughing some more. The elves grew angry and got in combat stances.

Butters brought Dane close. "Dane! What the hell are you doing! Their gonna kill us!" Butters whispered harshly.

"Relax, man. I got this." Dane whispered back, and without giving Butters time to respond moved over to the bear's head.

"You see this? This is a bear WE killed not two hours ago." Dane stated, gesturing to the dead animal.

The elves looked at each other. "You're lying! No way you killed that thing!" One said.

"Oh really? Did you seriously not notice that we're covered in blood? Or question why we were resting in front of it? Or even what it's doing here?" Dane asked, gesturing to his blood splattered clothing.

The elves once again turned to each other, fear growing, but the one in the gas mask just huffed.

"You two just got covered in that bear's blood when you were resting on it like dumbasses. Also, hunter probably killed that thing and hasn't come back for it yet. You didn't kill shit." He stated, readying his knife.

"Really? Well then tell me…" Dane said, walking near the bear's head and brutally ripped out what was left of his scimitar. This caused the remaining blood in the head to gush out. Upon seeing this some of the elves screamed while others vomited from the sight of blood. Dane smiled and held up his broken weapon.

"…would a hunter use a toy sword to kill it? I slammed this BROKEN TOY into that bastard's skull and shattered it, splattering his brain on the walls. Butters even managed to destroy his balls with his hammer." Dane explained, pointing to Butters' weapon, which still had blood on its head. The elves looked at it and grew scared, starting to shake. Butters, catching on, brandished it.

"We killed a bear with nothing but a broken toy and a cheap hammer. You think you can take us on? Go ahead. And when people ask why your bones are broken and you're all eunuchs, you can tell them you asked for it." Dane stated, crossing his arms and giving them a look that DARED them to try.

Things were silent for a few minutes as the two groups exchanged looks. Until finally every elf but the leader ran away silently.

"Wait guys! Come back! He's bluffing!" But his pleas fell on deaf ears and he turned back to Dane and Butters, who were now in combat ready positions. Being alone and seeing their bloody weapons, the leader turned and ran. "This isn't over!" He shouted over his back.

Dane and Butters held their aggressive poses until they were sure the elves had left, collapsing back on their butts with a groan.

"That was close." Butters stated.

"Yeah, we were lucky they bought it, otherwise we might've been captured. I know it's all pretend, but still, getting captured during the first game your part of is weak." Dane said. The two then sat in silence for a while until Dane sat up.

"Alright, that's enough rest. It looks like it's afternoon now and we still haven't recruited anybody. I'm also eager to teach that asshole who maced me a lesson." Dane stated, getting back behind the albino bear, Butters wordlessly followed him.

After a few minutes of agonizing corpse rolling, the two finally reached Jimbo's Guns. The man himself met them outside, shock filling his face at seeing the albino.

"HOLY SHIT!" He cried inspecting the bear closer, Dane and Butters came up from behind the bear to meet him. Dane stood tall, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, sorry about how mangled it is, but your weak-ass trap didn't work. The bear managed to dodged it and we had to kill him ourselves, he didn't go down easy though. We barely managed to kill him before he could eat us." Dane explained, eyeing Jimbo angrily.

"Of course the trap didn't work! It was designed for a Spectacled bear! This is a Kemode!" Jimbo said, awed at the sight of the albino.

"Wait, What?" Dane asked, his anger giving way to confusion. Jimbo turned away from the bear to face the two children. "I sent you two to kill a Spectacled bear, it's a species from South America, very rare up here, their snouts are way smaller than this one's, that's why the trap didn't work. The one you boys killed was a Kermode bear. It's an albino variant of the American black bear that's found all the way up in Canada." Jimbo explained.

"Oh, that makes sense. But why did we encounter the albino and not the glasses guy Mr. Kern." Butters asked.

"Well, I guess my intel about the thing was bad. I should've guessed when it said that the bear fell off a truck on the way to a taco mill in North Park. But who cares! This Kermode is much more rare than that glorified runt. I'll get way more money with this. Thanks kids, you really did me a solid." Jimbo said, then his face lit up in realization.

"WAIT! You kids said the trap didn't work right? Well then how the hell'd ya kill it?" He asked.

Dane pulled the bloodied remains of his sword from his pocket. "I stabbed him a bunch of times in the back of his neck and then smashed into his skull with this. But before that Butters smashed apart his balls with his hammer." Dane explained. Butter held up his hammer proudly at being mentioned.

Jimbo looked stunned. "Well shit, kid. I've heard some pretty crazy hunting stories. But I ain't ever heard of two kids killing a bear with just a hammer and a toy. You two must be the real deal."

Dane smirked. "Thanks. Now could we please get our reward? We still have another quest to finish." Dane asked.

"Of course, hold on a sec, NED!" Jimbo called into the store. A few seconds later a man with one arm wearing a bandanna, sunglasses, and military-style clothes holding a micropohone like device. "What is it Jimbo?" He asked robotically, the microphone apparently serving as a voice amplifier.

"These boys just nabbed us a Kermode! Get it in the shop and get my crafting tools ready so we can reward 'em properly!" Jimbo ordered.

"Right." Ned agreed, pushing the Kermode into the shop despite his missing arm. Jimbo followed him inside. A few minutes later, Jimbo came out holding a sword in its scabbard and a bag.

"Here, I know it ain't much considering you kids risked your lives, but its all I can give for right now. This here sword was crafted from the spine of that Kermode, real sturdy shit right there, should let ya tear through anything that gets in your way." Jimbo explained, handing the scabbard to Dane, who inspected it.

The scabbard was adorned with a symbol of a Kermode with two feathers hanging off its sides, with several wavy Inuit designs beneath it. Dane lifted the sword out of the scabbard and gasped when he saw it.

It was a bastard sword with a plain black plastic hilt that had two curving handles. The blade was decorated with similar designs as the scabbard, with a star at the base of the blade.

"THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!" Dane exclaimed, doing a few practice swings with the weapon.

"Yep, premium craftsmanship, I figured you'd want something that was versatile so I made into a bastard sword. Ya can switch hands with this kind of sword to adjust the strength of your blows. I also made the hilt so its easier to catch your opponents blade. Oh, and before I forget..." Jimbo handed Butters the gas masks. "There's your original payment."

"Thanks Mr. Kern!" Butters thanked, pocketing the masks.

Dane sheathed his new weapon and beamed at the hunter. "Yeah, thanks. This thing is awesome. I'll be able to whoop that guard good with this." Dane stated, grinning.

"No prob, you kids may have just saved my business, it's the least I can do, especially after you two had to kill that thing yourselves. I'll spread word around town to my fellow true Americans and make sure everyone knows your a fellow patriot. I'll also keep you posted on any more hunting opportunities." Jimbo said.

"That'd be awesome. I definitely want more stuff like this." Dane said, then began walking away, Butters following, he waved goodbye as the two headed towards Token's House. "Thanks for the weapons Mr. Kern!" He called as they walked away, Jimbo waved back.

"Good kids. Weird though, I never heard of a kid who could actually breach a bear's skull like that." Jimbo said when the two were out of earshot.

"Maybe he's one roids." Ned said, joining him.

"Nah, too scrawny for that. Maybe he's some sorta strongman, like the kind in them freakshows or somethin' or maybe that toy was just really well made." Jimbo said, then shrugged. "Whatever the reason, I'm glad he's not an asshole. Can you imagine fighting a kid like that?"

"I fought one like him in 'Nam. That's how I lost my arm." Ned stated, Jimbo rolled his eyes.

"No you didn't Ned, you lost it to that prostitute you wouldn't pay." He said.

"Nah, it was totally a super soldier kid."

"Whatever, let's go inside, those Kermode beer mugs ain't gonna make themselves!"

Dane Butters, now equipped with the gas masks, approached Token's House. The security guard was still there and hadn't noticed them yet.

Dane was about to fix that.

"HEY! SHITBAG! OVER HERE!" Dane yelled. The guard turned and looked at them angrily. "Sir, I told you before -"

"Imma just gonna stop you right there slothass. I don't wanna hear any "sirs" from you since you obviously don't respect us. You clearly just got into this job to pick on people and tell them what to do, you only do this because you're not good enough for anything else, and you also don't even do your job right. You're an embarrassment to your profession and give every good security guard a bad name. You're literally a tumor on the face of reality and should just lie down and die. Now move aside and let us see our friend, otherwise I'm gonna smear your blood on the pavement." Dane said angrily. His rant got some people on the sidewalk's attention, a few even brought out their phones to record the exchange.

The security guard's face went red and he just whipped out his mace to spray it in Dane's face. This failed, obviously, and Dane cracked his knuckles, Butters also brought out his hammer. The security guard looked shocked.

"What?! Oh no!" He cried, bringing out his club. "Stay back!"

"Nope." Dane stated and unsheathed his sword, the guard gulped.

Everyone around theme started murmuring.

"Oh, this is gonna be good!"

"Who are those kids? Why are they dressed like that? And why are they covered in blood?"

"Maybe they're part of a circus? Or maybe some sort of medieval themed butchery?"

"I don't care where they're from! I hope they kick this guy's ass! He maced me when I tried to deliver a package!"

Dane ignored the chatter and charged. He swung his sword at the guard's knees, cutting them. The guard cried out and swung with his club, hitting Dane in the face. He countered with a slash at the man's arm, giving him another cut. The guard started swinging wildly, eager to end this before he got really hurt. Dane managed to dodge most, but one particularly brutal blow struck Dane in the face hard, causing his mouth to bleed and thankfully not dislodging any teeth. Dane wiped his mouth and growled, glaring at the security guard. It was at this point Butters joined in, slamming his hammer into the man's stomach. The guard slumped forward and Butter followed up with several other blows at his arms and face. Dane helped and slashed at other areas. Finally, Dane finished it by cracking the man across the face with the side of his sword, knocking him back several feet at the edge of the crowd, causing the guard to drop his club. Dane approached the downed guard, intent on finishing the fight. To his credit, the guard somehow managed to sit up and pull out his taser. The crowd gasped as he fired it at Dane, and gasped again as Dane brought up his sword to catch it, wrapping it around the bone blade, which of course didn't conduct the electricity. He continued to wrap it around his weapon, bringing the guard, (who refused to let go of the taser,) closer until he was right in front of him. He then slammed his fist into the hand that was holding the taser, causing the guard to yelp and let go. Dane turned off the taser and removed it from his weapon, tossing it into a bush. He then held the guard up by his collar and brought him close.

"Let this be a lesson: DON'T. MACE. KIDS!" Dane punctuated each word with a punch, knocking the guard backwards on to his back and into unconsciousness.

Dane silently sheathed his sword and opened the gate to Token's House, Butters following, but before he entered he turned to the people gathered.

"Uh, sorry ya had to see that folks. We just wanna talk to our friend is all. Nothing to see here!" He said before closing the gate.

Everyone started murmuring.

"Should we call the cops?"

"Hey, he said they just wanted to talk to their friend."

"Yeah but they could be lying."

"They're just kids. And they didn't seem all that concerned that we documented everything they did. So maybe they are just seeing their friend."

"Eh, your probably right. Besides, that guy had it coming."

The crowd then dispersed, each one posting the videos they took of the fight. None called an ambulance for the hurt security guard. Who groaned pathetically.

Dane and Butters walked towards Token's front door, admiring the landscaping on the front lawn along the way. When they reached the door Dane knocked on it a few times, they then stood and waited. While they did Butters spoke up.

"Uh, Dane? Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How is it you're so strong? You beat up all those kids pretty easily, and you managed to kill that bear, and now you were quick enough to catch that taser before it hit you. Do you know how you got that way?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just...I haven't seen many people who are as strong as you are. It seems kind of..."

"Inhuman?"

"I guess. I'm not judging or anything. I've seen some weird and dangerous stuff in this town and well, I wanna know if you're connected to any ones I know so I can help." Butters finished, putting a had on his friend's shoulder.

Dane smiled. "I appreciate it man, but the truth is I don't think I'm all that strong. Killing that bear was mostly due to dumb luck and you taking a cheap shot at its balls. In think the only reason I managed to kill it was because of the momentum from my fall. As for the other stuff like my fighting skills...I don't think it's related to anything here."

Butters pulled his hand away. "Alright, if that's what you think. Just remember I'm here to talk if you ever need to."

"I know, thanks man." Dane said.

The two jumped when the door finally opened. Now in front of the two was a black boy with a buzz cut, a purple shirt with a T on it, dark blue pants, and black shoes.

"Uh, hi Butters. Who's this kid and why are you two covered in blood?" He asked.

"Hey Token! This is Dane, the new kid in town, and, well..." Butters began, but couldn't quite figure out how to tell him how they killed a bear. Luckily, Dane had him covered.

"We had to kill a bear to get past your security guard." He stated bluntly.

"WHAT!?" Token gasped

"Um, yeah. Long story short we had to hunt a bear for Stan's uncle to get gas masks to fight him 'cause he wouldn't let us in even though we told him we were friends of yours. We wound up fighting it and got covered in his blood. Dane here managed to kill him by climbing on his back and stabbing him in the head." Butters explained.

"Holy shit! You guys killed a bear?" Token exclaimed.

"Yeah, wasn't easy. Anyway, we have news from Kupa Keep. That fatass wants you to come back so we can get the Stick of Truth back from the elves." Dane explained.

"Oh okay. Um, I'll go there right away. Sorry you guys had to go through all that. Feel free to wash off using the lawn hose so people don't think you're murderers." Token said, closing the door.

"Well that was nice of him." Dane said as the two walked towards the side of the house where the hose was. The washed off the blood on their faces first, thankfully there wasn't much, and on their clothes, which was harder to do because it had been there for several hours. But thankfully most of it came off so now the two were presentable.

"Wooh! I feel much better!" Dane said, glad to finally be clean.

"Yeah, having that stuff on felt gross." Butters stated. The two then left Token's place and headed towards Tweek's Coffee. Not even paying attention to the security guard who had regained consciousness and was cowering in his booth at seeing the two kids.


	6. Chapter 6: The Brewmaster andthePrincess

**Chapter 6:** **The Brewmaster and The Princess**

Dane and Butters were returning to Kupa Keep after having recruited the last kid, Tweek, by helping him finish his chores, (which involved them beating up meth heads.) They approached Cartman's House, eager to get their mission done. The two entered the house and crossed the kitchen, entering the backyard that served as the kingdom. Around the keep itself was every fighter of Zaron, including Token and Tweek, who had somehow beat them there. Cartman was in front of the keep, ready to make a speech.

"Ah, Douchebag and Paladin Butters have returned, now we can start. While their efforts were valiant, it appears Feldspar has been captured by the foul Warden Mackey and his Ginger Horde. We now must mount a rescue mission, for our plan to regain the Stick of Truth cannot succeed without him." Cartman explained.

"Aw, but the last time we broke Craig out of detention we all got in trouble!" Tweek objected.

"We don't have a choice. Without Crai-I mean Feldspar's lock picking skills we won't be able to infiltrate where they're keeping the Stick. Now, since Douchebag and Butters were able to recruit Sir Token and Tweek, the task of rescuing Feldspar shall fall to them." Cartman stated.

"I keep telling you, my name is Da- "

"Yes, yes, Douchebag, we are all aware of your CHOSEN name." Cartman interrupted. Dane growled.

"Oh yeah, before I forget, word has reached me of your slaying of The Great White Beast during your retrieval of Sir Token, as well as your defeat of The Black Watcher. These awesome and hilarious deeds have earned you the title of Sir Douchebag!" Cartman said, raising his hands in the air. Everyone clapped and cheered.

"In recognition of your new knighthood, you can buy new items from the armory. Oh, and Tweek said to see him in his new shop to the right of the Keep, he has something for you." Cartman explained. "Get stocked up and retrieve Feldspar quickly, we don't have much time left 'till curfew." He added, walking back into the keep.

"Fucking asshole." Dane said, walking towards the Armory, where the kid who had run the stable was now working. "Hello, valiant knights. I'm Scott, welcome to my shop." The kid greeted, his voice having a noticeable lisp. Dane perused his goods, seeing that there was indeed, new items in stock. _"Hmm, I'm gonna need something to cover my face, maybe one of these helmets."_ Dane thought, and picked one up. It looked like a football helmet someone had stuck a broom's head on to make it look like a knight's helm. "Ah! The KKK Fighter's Helmet! A fine choice! Anything else?" Dane looked over the money he had, only one dollar. "Uh, I only have one buck. Will that cover it?" He asked.

Scott took the dollar. "Normally no, but since you seem like a nice guy, I'll help ya out. Oh! And here." He then brought out a set of armor. "Can't have you go into Mackey's Dungeon ill equipped. It's on the house." Scott said, winking.

"Thanks man, I'll pay you back later, promise." Dane said, smiling. He took the armor and put it on over his clothes, then donned the helmet. He then headed over to where Cartman said Tweek's shop was. It appeared to be an assortment of chemical and brewing equipment placed under a dark blue tarp held up by what appeared to be broken off chair legs. On a shelf were several strangely glowing vials and jars, and on the ground were many empty ones. Tweek himself had his back turned, filling a jar with a glowing green liquid.

"Holy crap, it looks like a meth lab mixed with a coffee shop. What the hell is all this?" Dane asked. Tweek shrieked and turned around. "Oh, it's just you guys AH! Welcome to my Brew Shop AH! Here I make stuff that can help the other members of the K.K.K. in their battles. All I ask in return are ingredients. The stuff I have here was made using AH! Ingredients I got from my dad, but now I'm out, and all these are supposed to be shipped AH! To the men getting ready for the Stick's AH! Retrieval." Tweek explained.

"Ooohkay. So, what kind of potions can we get?" Dane asked.

"AH! I have healing potions, AH! Power potions, AH! Speed potions, AH! And revive potions. The last one can bring back anyone who falls unconscious. I can give you one for free this one time. Which do you want?" Tweek asked.

Dane put a hand to his chin. "Hmmm, gimme a revive. Odds are we'll need one if we're going up against this Mackey guy's army."

"Sure, AH! Here ya go!" Tweek then handed him a vial filled with a yellow, glowing liquid. Dane inspected it. _"I thought these were pretend but…I get a weird feeling just by looking at it."_ He then pocketed it. " _If it's real the it'll be nice having some assurance that we won't be screwed if either of us faints."_

"This is so neato, Tweek! But why'd you open a shop? And how'd you learn how to make this stuff." Butters asked.

"Yeah, I was also curious about that." Dane added.

"Oh, AH! Well, since the game began a lot of us have been getting hurt AH! I felt bad about that AH! And I wanted to AH! Help but didn't know how. Then yesterday, a weird looking dog dropped this book it had on its back. AH! I picked it up and saw it had a ton of potion recipes in it. AH! I know how to brew and mix stuff so I figured I could use it to make potions to help you guys. AH! OH GOD!" Tweek explained, clutching his head at the last word. He then drank some coffee from a mug he had set on the ground near him and seemed to ease somewhat.

"A weird looking dog just dropped a book containing potion recipes?" Dane asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"ERRK! It might have been a cat, I'm not sure. There's nothing in the book that says who it was meant for, and I haven't seen the cat-dog-thing since I got the book. I tried looking for it but found nothing. ERRAGH!" Tweek explained. "Oh and before I forget, here's a list of the ingredients for the potions. You should be able to find them around here." He said, giving them a piece of paper that had the names of the ingredients as well as crudely drawn pictures beside each one.

"Well we'll leave you to it. Thanks for the potion man." Dane said, walking away and waving goodbye. "Seeya Tweek!" Butters said, walking away backwards and waving both his hands.

"Good luck! ERRAK!"

Dane and Butters were just about to exit before someone called out to them. "Hey! Wait up!"

The two looked behind them to see Princess Kenny running up to them, holding a bow. He panted as he finally reached them. "(I'm coming too.") He said in his female voice.

"But milady! You're needed here! The men are in dire need of your radiant beauty to inspire them!" Butters exclaimed. Dane could barely keep himself from laughing.

"(Yes, I know, but I have a feeling my charms and bow will be needed to rescue Feldspar. And what kind of princess would I be if I didn't help those who need me?)" Kenny explained, striking a pose.

Dane quirked an eyebrow. _"What's up with this guy? Is he gay or just confused?"_ Dane then became aware both were looking at him expectantly. He cleared his throat.

"Um, sure, your highness. You may come with us. Just be careful."

"(Excellent! Now let us be off! Our brother in arms is waiting!)" Kenny said enthusiastically, walking ahead of the two regally.

Dane and Butters shrugged and followed.


	7. Chapter 7: Dungeons and Gingers Part 1

**Chapter 7: Dungeons and Gingers Part 1**

Dane, Butters and Kenny were now standing outside South Park Elementary, it was a pretty average looking school, double storied, double doors, a flagpole standing sentinel outside. Dane however couldn't shake the feeling that something was waiting for them in there, something way more dangerous than any of them expected. He could feel it in the air. He was torn out of his thoughts when Butters put a hand on his shoulder. "You okay?"

Dane shook his head. "Yeah, it's just...I feel like we're gonna find something dangerous in there." Dane stated, Butters put his hand to his mouth in worry while Kenny just snorted.

"(Yeah, Mackey's ginger lapdogs are gonna be SUPER dangerous. Watch out! They might eat you! HA!)" The wannabe princess mocked, but then calmed down and waved off Dane's concerns. "(But seriously, don't worry. Mackey's only got a few ginger hall monitors in there that we can handle. We go in, free Craig, then get out. Simple!)"

"Yeah, Dane, you're probably just nervous because it's your first dungeon." Butters said.

Dane drew his sword. "Guess you guys are right, now let's go free our thief." Dane stated, going toward the doors, the other two kids following behind him. He then pushed open the double doors and came face to face with an empty room.

"(Huh, thought there'd be at least one here.)" Kenny said, looking around.

"Mackey usually posts them everywhere on detention days, why'd he do it different this time?" Butters asked, readying his hammer.

The feeling Dane felt before was greater now, he could practically smell the danger around them, and was looking everywhere trying to find the source. He looked up at the second floor balcony but saw nothing, nothing but the shimmering air around one of the do-

Wait, _shimmering?_

"AMBUSH!" Dane yelled, readying his sword. The hiding hall monitors removed their camouflage tarps and revealed themselves, there were about ten archers up on the balcony, and forty warriors around them holding clubs and clipboard shields. All of them were wearing a crude form of armor made up of cardboard with lunch trays duck-taped to them. Worst yet, the archers appeared to have fireworks attached to their arrows. Kenny and Butters huddled closer to Dane, both readying their weapons.

"I hate to say I told you so..." Dane began.

"(Oh don't rub it in!)" Kenny snapped, readying an arrow.

Meanwhile, in detention, the captive class looked up at the sound of explosions somewhere else in the school.

"HOLY SHIT! What was that?" One kid said.

"That's probably my rescue party." Craig said, looking at his watch. He was dressed in a thief outfit, complete with knives.

"No it isn't you little punk. Well, okay it's BECAUSE of your rescue party, but they aren't going to get to you! Someone tipped me off to your friends' little rescue attempt and I decided to get a little creative this time. My hall monitors have a bunch of new weapons and stronger armor, my Captain is probably the strongest kid in the school now, so there's no chance your friends can get to you. Now shut up and study!" Mr. Mackey, the school counselor, ordered. He was a big-headed, balding man with glasses, a green shirt, black tie, and dark green pants.

"Don't be so sure, I hear they have an ace in the hole." Craig said nonchalantly, picking up his book.

"HOLY SHIT!" Dane cried as the group narrowly dodged the volley of explosive arrows. This made difficult as all the hall monitor warriors around them were deliberately keeping them boxed in to keep them from moving. Dane growled and did a spinning sword attack to try and get them to back off, it worked and gave them some breathing room.

"Kenny! Get those fuckers on the second floor!" Dane barked as one brave ginger warrior charged forward, Dane blocked the blow and reposed, then followed up with several slashes and a kick to the stomach, which sent him flying back. Two others came forward roaring at them, Dane once again blocked the blow, Butters did the same with the second. Kenny readied his arrow and aimed up, but two warriors charged at him and forced him to jump away. Kenny released the arrow into one's eye, causing him to scream and clutch it. His friend screamed and charged at the princess, but Kenny nimbly dodged and elbowed him in the back of the head hard, knocking him out. The hooded boy looked over and saw his allies were quickly being overwhelmed by the sheer number of gingers, who were now practically dog piling on the two. Dane looked like he was going to go berserk, but given how outnumbered he was it wouldn't do much, while Butters was just desperately swinging his hammer trying to keep them off him. Kenny looked up toward the second floor and saw the archers were getting ready to fire another volley, which would surely finish them.

Kenny notched three arrows and fired them in the group of ginger warriors that were attacking Dane, causing some to scream and giving the Fighter the opening he needed to tear into them with his sword, slashing them in their chests, faces, and legs. Kenny did the same for Butters, picking off some with another volley. Butters, still panicking, kept swing and wound up knocking some more out. Ignoring that, Kenny went up to Dane.

"(Hey! You're strong right? Can you throw me up there?)" He asked, pointing toward the archers, who were almost ready for their next volley.

Dane's expression seemed uncertain. "I-I don't know..."

"(What do you mean you don't know?! Didn't you kill a bear?)" Kenny asked incredulously.

"Yeah, but I'm not sure if that was me or just the momentum or..." Dane began, but Kenny cut him off.

"(Well we don't have any other choice, we're probably gonna die if we don't do something something. So throw me!)" Kenny ordered, Dane nodded. He grabbed Kenny and held him like a spear, then aimed for the balcony. With a roar he threw Kenny, who soared through the air majestically, catching the attention of the ginger warriors below.

"Oooh, she's so pretty."

"I'd love to tap that."

"Damn! Look at that hair!"

Dane got close to Butters. "They know he's a dude right?" Dane whispered.

"Nah, just let them dream though." Butters replied. Dane shrugged.

Kenny's "beauty" also captivated the archers, so much so that they did nothing as he approached, and also when he landed on one and promptly headbutted him. The princess then got up and shot arrows into each archer's private parts, knocking them out of the battle. He then took a few of their explosive arrows and got them ready to fire, the took aim at the crowd below. Dane, seeing this, grabbed Butters and ran to the area below the second floor balcony. Kenny then unleashed the volley of explosive arrows, breaking up the small army, he then continued firing until all the ginger warriors were down, alive yet smoldering. Dane and Butters emerged from below the balcony, taking in the carnage.

"Damn." Dane stated.

"Yeah, Mackey sure is going all out this time. I wonder why?" Butters wondered.

"(CAATCH ME!)" They heard Kenny's voice cry out. Dane immediately went to where he traced the wannabe princess's voice. He managed to catch him, holding the boy, ahem, princess style.

"(Oh, my hero!)" Kenny breathed in his female voice.

"Kiss me and I drop you." Dane stated bluntly.

"(Aww, you tease.)" The princess said as Dane put him down.

The kids in detention heard another explosion ring out, followed by a string of consecutive ones, each punctuated by screams.

"HA! You see Craig! Your little friends got their asses whooped and now my hall monitors are gonna bring them here! How do you-"

But Mackey was cut off when his walkie-talkie suddenly flared to life with a ragged voice speaking through it.

"First...battalion...failed...intruders...heading into..hallway." The transmission then cut off.

"Heeere they come." Craig stated, looking at his watch.

"NO THEY AREN'T! I still have three battalions that were ready to kick their little keesters into next week!" Mackey then got out his walkie-talkie. "Bronze Team! Get ready! They're coming your way!"


	8. Chapter 8: Dungeons and Gingers Part 2

**Chapter 8: Dungeons and Gingers Part 2**

The three soon entered the hallways, and were met with a hail of tennis balls.

"TAKE COVER!" Dane yelled.

The heroes took shelter behind the rows of lockers as tennis balls pounded against the entrance. Dane peeked out from behind his hiding spot and saw a tennis ball pitching machine stationed at a turn in the hallway.

 _"Damn! How are we supposed to get past that?"_

Dane looked at the pitching machine,it appeared to be modified, and had a black box attached to it that blinked red. Dane picked up a tennis ball that had fallen near him and threw it out into the machines radius, another hail of balls answered it.

 _"Okay, so they modified a pitching ball machine with a tracking sensor, that...is actually pretty impressive, for kids anyway. If it can track us then there's no way passed it, Kenny's arrows aren't gonna do shit and I don't have the strength to throw him back up to get more firework arrows. What to do? Maybe..."_ Dane thought.

"(Yo, mister leader, you gonna stay there looking clueless all day or are you actually going to do something?)" Kenny asked.

"I think I have an idea, hold on." Dane grabbed three of the fallen tennis balls and threw them out in front of the pitching machine at different heights. The one he threw the lowest was hit by a barrage, while the other two highest ones bounced against the lockers unharmed. Dane took out his sword.

"I was right, the machine can only target one thing at a time. So while I draw its attention, you two advance and shut it off." He explained.

"But Dane! You'll get pummeled!" Butters cried.

Dane brushed it off. "I'll be fine, I'll use my sword to block it."

Kenny crossed his arms. "(If you can do that why not just move towards it while blocking?)"

"Have you ever been hit by a ball shot from one of those things?" Dane asked.

Kenny looked puzzled. "(Uh, a few times, why?)"

"Well, it hurts like hell right? That's because of all the momentum that thing puts into pitching them, now imagine a steady stream of those things fly at you. That creates a lot of push back and thus, once I begin blocking, I won't be able to move. Because even though I may be really strong for a kid, that isn't saying much. So you guys'll have to switch it off." Dane explained, then before either of them knew it he jumped out and put his sword in front of him, the pitching machine then began shooting at him, the tennis balls ricochet off of it and out in a sunburst-like pattern. The other two heroes gasped. Dane looked in their direction and yelled in a strained voice: "GO!"

The two wasted no time and ran out to the left of the pitching machine, but before they could get there a sickening crack filled the air and the two looked to see Dane's sword broken and him being pelted by tennis balls, he screamed as he was assaulted by the overwhelming force.

Back in the detention room, the kids heard a new sound, a bloodcurdling scream of pain. Needless to say they were quite scared, one of them even pissed himself.

"Holy shit! What the hell is going on out there?" Craig asked.

"I'd say one of your friends triggered my pitching machine trap. Ha! Serves those little weasels right!" Mackey said.

"Dude, that guy sounded pretty hurt, you don't you're overdoing it a LITTLE bit?" Craig asked.

Mackey for an instant seemed doubtful, but shook his head. "No, my informant told me this was the right way to do things, besides, I'm sure that kid is fine."

Dane in fact was NOT fine. He fell to the ground in a heap, coughing up a bit of blood.

"DANE!" Butters exclaimed, turning around, not seeing the pitching machine was now targeting him and Kenny. The princess grabbed Butters and began running toward the machine, desperate to turn it off before either got hit. Sadly, the machine started firing before they could get to it, and it fired. Butters, seeing the danger now, reversed his and Kenny's positions so that he was in front. He too was pelted by an avalanche of balls. Kenny, thinking quickly, jumped into the air before it stopped and aimed his bow at the machine's on/off switch. it hit home and turned the machine off.

Kenny landed and saw to his two comrades. Butters was heavily injured, he had a broken nose and many lumps on his body, and it appeared several of his teeth were broken. He then moved over and saw Dane was worse, he had hit the wall once the bullet-like balls hit him, his helmet was cracked and seemed to only absorb a small amount of the damage, same with his armor, turning him over the princess saw he too had a broken nose and many lumps on him, his face seemed to have slammed into the face guard of his helmet. Kenny got them next to each other and checked their pulses, they were both alive, but just barely. Kenny's concentration was broken by a shrill laugh.

"HA! Serves you troublemakers right! Now, Bronze Battalion, take down our barriers and secure our prisoners!" The source of the voice was a ginger that wore spiked armor and had a scale as a weapon, he was standing triumphantly behind the bars of the chair barrier, smirking. Kenny moved toward the pitching machine calmly.

"(Ya know, It's not a good idea to walk into your own trap.)" He stated, undoing the brakes on the pitching machine's wheels.

The leader looked puzzled. "What are you talking about? We didn't do that!"

Kenny swerved the pitcher around just as the barrier came down. "(Oh yes..)."

He then switched the machine on.

"(...you did.)"

The pitcher then began plowing the gingers with balls, they all screamed as they were reduced to bruised and battered heaps, their armor doing little to save them. The leader only lasted seconds more than his colleagues, and fell right into the crotch of one of his fallen brothers-in-arms face first. Kenny then switched off the pitcher. He approached the leader, who groaned into his subordinates loins. Wordlessly, he kicked the leader in the crotch and headed for the door to the cafeteria, currently serving as the detention room. He saw that the door was barred by a chain fitted with bronze, silver, and gold locks.

"(FUCK!)" He yelled, kicking the door. Mackey's face then appeared.

"Ha! Ya can't get in here without the keys Kenny! Ya might as well turn back now! M'kay!" He taunted.

"(MACKEY WHEN I GET IN THERE I AM GONNA LOAD YOUR RECTUM WITH DIRTY, BROKEN, GLASS!)" Kenny yelled, startling the counselor.

"Well good luck cause you'll never find the bronze key in my lieutenant's pocket-SHIT!" Mackey cursed.

Kenny went over to the leader of Bronze Battalion and looked through his pockets, finding the bronze key, he fitted it into the bronze lock and fixed Mackey with a hateful gaze.

"Dirty. Broken. Glass."

Kenny then walked over to his downed friends, leaving a sweaty Mackey behind.


	9. Chapter 9: Dungeons and Gingers Part 3

Chapter 9: Dungeons and Gingers Part 3

Kenny carried Dane and Butters into the safety of the Janitor's closet, he laid them down gently on the floor and thought hard on what to do now. Without help he couldn't hope to finish the quest, all that jumping and shooting wore him out, and these two didn't look like they would be able to fight any time soon.

 _"Shit."_ Kenny thought, he then began to rummage through Dane's pockets. _"Maybe one of them has something that could help me, a weapon or..."_ He then got hold of something smooth in Dane's pocket and pulled it out. It was a glowing yellow vial that had a label that read "REVIVE."

 _"Huh? Where'd he get this?"_ Kenny thought, but then shook his head. _"Doesn't matter, if it can at least get them on their feet I don't care where it came from."_ Kenny then uncorked the vial and gave half to Dane and then half to Butters. After a few seconds, the two boys' veins lit up with yellow light and their wounds began to heal right before the wannabe princess's eyes. Butters' teeth regrew the broke off parts and Dane's nose straightened itself. Once both were healed the light vanished, leaving an amazed Kenny gaping.

Dane was the first to wake, gasping as he shot up to his feet, reaching for his missing sword, but only grasping air. He then looked around confusedly. "Where am I? Where'd that pitching machine go? Last I remember I was blocking it with my sword, then..." Dane's eyes then lit up in remembrance. "Aw crap..."

Butters awoke next, groaning. "Ow...everything's sore..." He whined, rubbing his forehead.

Kenny just stared at them dumbly, and looked down at the vial in his hand. _"What the fuck's in this?"_

Dane broke him out of his stupor. "Hey, Kenny." He called.

The boy-princess looked at him. "(Yeah?)"

"Can I see that vial?"

"(Um..sure.)"

Kenny handed the container to Dane, who read the label and inspected it. "Yep, definitely Tweek's potion."

"(Wait, TWEEK made that? How? It healed all your wounds AND woke you up! What'd he put in it?)" Kenny exclaimed.

Dane shook his head as he pocketed the vial. "No idea, but I'll check later, he gave us a list of ingredients in case we wanted him to make more. In the mean time, we have a quest to complete." Dane then exited the janitor's closet, Butters and Kenny following. The three passed all the unconscious gingers and made their way back to the pitching machine, where Dane gathered up the pieces of his sword and Butters retrieved his hammer. While Dane's weapon was destroyed save for the hilt, Butters weapon was perfectly fine. The fighter looked at the broken weapon sadly, his paladin friend noticed and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Aw, I'm sorry about your sword, Dane, I know how hard it was to get."

Dane smiled at his friend. "Thanks, but don't worry, I think I _may_ be able to fix it. I'm good at crafting stuff, so if I get the right tools, I might be able put it back together." He then pocketed the pieces of his sword. "'Till then, I'll just use my fists." He then bumped said fists together.

"(If you two are done.)" Kenny interrupted. "(I can fill you in on what we need to do, Mackey's locked himself and the kids inside the cafeteria and we need three keys to unlock it, one bronze, one silver, and one gold. I got the bronze and put it in, now we need to find the other two.)"

Dane put hand to his chin, thinking. _"Hmm, now if I were Mackey, where would I hide a silver key?"  
_

He was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the sound of a chainsaw revving up. Butters and Kenny cried out in surprise, Dane looked over and gasped.

A squadron of hall monitors had shown up in front of them, each was armored the same as the ones before, but now a few had more powerful weapons, such as cattle prods, nail guns, and the leader had, of course, a chainsaw.

"HOLY SHIT!" All of them yelled.

The leader stepped forward. "Yeah, that's right. Mr. Mackey gave us clearance to use equipment from the utility closet. You don't stand a chance now!"

"So what, are you gonna kill us? That seems just a _bit_ extreme don't you think?" Dane said, trying to think of a way out. Without his weapon they were at a disadvantage, and even if he did have his sword, what good was it against a chainsaw? If they were going to beat them they needed a trump card...

It was then Dane remembered they _did_ have one.

 _"Hope I'm right about how strong it is, though."_ He thought as he began to focus.

"No no we're not gonna KILL you guys. Just brutally maim you, maybe cut off a limb or-hey! What are you doing?" The leader asked as Dane was visibly straining himself.

"Oh, nothing, just...breathing in." He said, smirking.

The leader glared at him and revved up his chainsaw. "DON'T YOU BE SMART WITH ME! SILVER BATTALION! ATT-"

"FUS RO DAH!" Dane then unleashed a cloud of fart gas toward the gingers, blinding them and causing them to gag.

"OH GOD IT'S HORRIBLE!

"I SWALLOWED WHEN IT FLEW INTO MY MOUTH!

"IT BURNS! IT BURRRRRNS!"

Dane, unaffected by his own stink, dove into the cloud and immediately attacked the blinded leader, grabbing his arms and pulling him forward for a head butt that broke his nose. This caused him to cry out and drop the chainsaw, Dane then followed up with several hard punches to the gut and knees to the balls. He then threw him into another hall monitor who was holding a cattle prod, knocking him to the floor. Another hall monitor, apparently strong enough to focus in the stink, attacked him with his own cattle prod. Dane dodged and dove for the other monitor's cattle prod, grabbed it, and shoved it into the attacking monitor's neck, causing him to fall to the ground convulsing. Dane moved quickly through the cloud, disabling the hall monitor's before they knew what hit them. When the smoke cleared, Butters and Kenny's saw yet another pile of knocked out gingers in the hallway, Dane standing with his back to them, activated cattle prod in hand.

"(Holy shit, dude.)" Kenny said in awe. Dane just slipped the cattle prod onto his belt and reached rummaged through the gingers' pockets, finding the silver key and inspecting it.

Butters pumped his hand into the air in triumph. "Alright! Now we just need the gold key!"

But Dane threw the key toward one end of the hallway.

Butters gasped, Kenny glared. "(What the hell's wrong with you? We need that!)" The boy-princess complained, but Dane just walked up to the chainsaw the lieutenant had dropped. "That's where you're wrong Kenny..." He said, picking up the chainsaw. "They just gave us the master key." He then revved it up.

Everyone in the cafeteria shook in horror as they heard the noises right behind the doors. Well, almost everyone, Craig was just looking at his watch, hoping that he could get out of here before 1:00.

"Sounds like your guys are getting their asses kicked pretty badly out there, Mackey. Maybe you should just let us go. Kenny might not follow through on his threat if you do." He stated coolly. Mackey whirled around and shot him a look that could kill, the normally cool-headed counselor looked ready to do so to, his eyes almost seeming to glow red. Needless to say it gave Craig pause.

"Like hell I'll let you go! In fact, because of your little escape attempt, YOU'RE GONNA GET DETENTION FOR THE WHOLE YEAR! ALL OF YOU! INCLUDING THOSE FRIENDS OF YOURS! MM-KAY!" Mackey roared. "AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO CLEAN TOO! MM-KAY! IN FACT I'LL FIRE THE JANITOR AND MAKE YOU ALL DO HIS WORK! YEAH! AND JUST TO DRILL IT IN I'LL SHIT IN THE TOILETS AFTER-" But before his rant could continue, a chainsaw blade burst through the double doors, pushing them open. Standing in the doorway were Butters, Kenny, and some kid in a busted football helmet holding the chainsaw no one recognized. Said chainsaw was busted, presumably from cutting the chain.

The kids in the cafeteria cheered and ran out the now open doorway, happy to get away from the raging counselor. Craig was the last to try and leave, but suddenly a red energy wall emerged in front of him, knocking onto his behind. "What the fuck?" He asked incredulously. Craig then turned around and gasped like everyone else when he saw Mackey was now glowing red, his eyes looking like a demon's and betraying nothing but rage. "YOU LITTLE SNOWMASHERS! YOU FUCKED WITH ME FOR THE LAST TIME! DAY IN AND DAY OUT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT! WELL GUESS WHAT? NO MORE! NO MORE LISTENING TO YOUR PETTY DRAMA! OR SUICIDAL BULLSHIT! OR WHINING! YOU ALL CAN BURN." Mackey's body was then consumed by red energy. "IN." The red energy then exploded, and everyone covered their eyes. "HELL!" When they uncovered them, they saw they were now in a red-violet void with chunks of the school floating within, on the blackboards were words like HATE, AGGRAVATION, ANNOYANCE, REPETITION, APATHY, SORROW. With the skies of this void they could see chattering mouths with cynical smiles, all whispering words the kids couldn't understand. In the middle of all of this were the kids, standing on a floating fragment of land that looked like the floor of the school's lobby. Atop them was a red energy orb, which formed into the shape of some vague humanoid shape with horns, then dropped down onto them with a crash, causing smoke to fly everywhere. When it cleared, a huge minotaur was standing before them, he had mackey's glasses, tie, and green armor covering his torso and legs. His eyes still glowed red, and he roared with what sounded like every ounce of anger he could muster. "NOW DIE!"


	10. Chapter 10: Mackus, Lord of Failure P1

Chapter 10: Mackus, The Lord of Failure

"OH FUCK!" Dane cried as the bull monster that was once Mr. Mackey charged at them. The new kid quickly grabbed Butters and Kenny and jumped out of the way, Craig did the same, running toward one of the edges of the arena, hoping that Mackey wouldn't try charging at him and fall into the red abyss below. Said bull-monster stopped his charge and abruptly jumped toward the boy, his arc curving toward a landing that would crush the foul-mannered student beneath his new heavy form. Craig nimbly dashed out of the way, leaving Mackey roaring angrily in a puff of smoke. He then glared at Dane.

"WAY TO SAVE ME YOU ASSHOLE!" He yelled.

"Hey I can only carry two people! Plus I figured you would dodge it!" Only the first half was true, Dane was acting fully on instinct in that moment and grabbed the two closest to him, though he wouldn't let Craig know that for fear of making him angrier. "Besides I think we have a bigger problem! What the fuck is happening right now, anyway?! Is this normal for him?" Dane asked, looking toward the two nearest to him.

"(While he does get pissed when we do stuff like this, it had NEVER been on this level, and even then I don't think he could've done this before. Either something's possessed him or he's using some sort of supernatural thing to finally punish us. Regardless we need to defeat him. Got any ideas, Dane?)" Kenny answered, looking at him intensely, as was Butters. This was something they had never encountered before, sure, they'd been in plenty of dangerous situations, but most of the time they tricked their enemies into losing or had done something else to make them lose, or hell sometimes they just let what happened happened, they had also fought other kids. But this was different. This was a full-blown **monster** that wanted them dead. What were they supposed to do? Both were truly afraid for their lives.

Dane too had never dealt with something like this, and was also afraid but he managed to keep a clear head and glared at the monster as he had emerged from the cloud of dust and was now headed towards them. "I'll keep him distracted, you guys search for the utility room the hall monitors mentioned, there's bound to be something there that can take this thing down-" Before he could finish Kenny slapped him. "You idiot! That didn't work last time! And this WAY worse! We need a plan that's less suicidal!" Before they could start debating, the Mackey monster roared and charged at them. Everyone yelped and ran out of his path, narrowly avoiding getting crushed. The trio were now split up, with Kenny and Butters to its right and Dane to its' left.

The monster fixated on Butters and Kenny, preparing to smash them with it's fist, raising it high in the air. Before the monster could bring down though, Dane threw his cattle prod into the Mackey monster's eye. He then jumped onto Mackey's head and grabbed hold of the punishment tool, turning it on and electrocuting the monster, who screamed in pain and tried to grab the child, but Dane had already jumped off and was beginning to run away. Mackey turned towards him and growled as he ripped the cattle prod out of his bleeding eye socket and crushed it in his hands, his eye regenerating nearly instantly. He then roared and charged after Dane.

"Run! Find the room! I'll be fine!" The new kid yelled as he narrowly dodged a punch from Mackey. The two were reluctant, how could they leave a friend alone with such a terrible beast?

"Don't worry, I got his back."

The two jumped and turned to see that Craig had walked over to their side of the arena. "I owe him one for rescuing me, plus I want revenge on Mackey for all the shit he put me through. You two go and find the utlity room, we'll be fine." Craig then drew his wooden daggers and ran toward the monster. Reluctantly, the two remaining boys ran in the opposite direction. They soon reached the northern edge of the arena.

"(How the fuck are we supposed to find the ultility room?! There's no way off this thing!)" Kenny complained, looking around at the other chunks of the school that had gotten sucked into the void with the boys. There weren't any stairs or ladders to connect these stolen educational chambers. Just as the two began to lose hope, a deep, rumbling voice cut through their thoughts and filled their heads.

 **"Do not give up yet, netherborn and ill-fated child. I shall light the path for thee so yon allies need not perish."** As soon as the voice finished, a fiery emblem was burned into the ground near where they were standing, a staircase made of molten metal materialized and led to another floating fragment of the school. **"Go forth, and find the tools to smite thine enemy!"**

Needless to say, Butters and Kenny were confused.

They were shocked out of their confusion when Mackey roared. The two looked over and witnessed Craig rapidly stabbing of Mackey's unprotected arms with one of his sharpened wooden daggers, causing blood to stream of it. Dane meanwhile was hammering his face with punches while standing on top of Mackey's head. With another roar Mackey spun around with the speed of a tornado, shaking the two boys off. Dane landed shakily, but managed to stay on his feet, breathing heavily. Craig wasn't so lucky, landing in a heap of the western side of the arena and nearly falling off. He scrambled to his feet and faced Mackey, his eyes burning with defiance. The bull man glared daggers at him, his anger reaching new heights. Craig spat to the side. "What, you thought killing me would be that easy? C'mon, Mackey, you know me well enough by now to know I wouldn't go out like a bitch. I can take whatever you can dish out." Craig then brought up his right arm and placed his folded left arm under it, then brought it down to face in front of him, brandishing his middle finger. "SO COME ON! GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT BITCH!"

Mackey released a roar that would make a lion cower and charged at Craig, who stood ready with his daggers. As Mackey got closer, lowering his head to impale Craig with his horns, the rogue jumped up onto his head and stabbed the wooden knives into Mackey's eye sockets, deeper than Dane did with his cattle prod. Mackey howled in pain as his vision went dark. Craig then snapped off the handles and jumped off of Mackey's head as the transformed counselor screamed and thrashed about. kicking up dust.

"Huh, guess we don't need those weapons after all." Dane said as he, Kenny and Butters then began walking back to the arena.

"YEAH! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU BIG HEADED FU-" Craig began to taunt, but before he could finish, Mackey sharply turned his way and released a sound blast from his mouth, knocking Craig off the arena and into the face-filled abyss below. Mackey then sniffed around and locked his eyeless gaze onto them, growling as the wooden blades in his eyes began to burn away from the red energy now crawling across eye sockets, mending his damaged flesh and disintegrating all foreign matter.

"Shit...okay, you two go! I'll distract him!" Dane said, walking toward Mackey, who glared at him with his still-mending eyes and got ready to fight, his body shaking with angry breaths and steam-like air coming out of his nostrils.

"DANE!" Butters cried and tried to go after him, but Kenny grabbed his shoulder and gave him a stern stare.

"(Relax, he's got this. He wouldn't do this if he didn't think he had a chance.)"

Butters looked down and looked up at his new friend, then ascended the smoldering staircase with Kenny. _"He's right, Dane's got this for now. I'm sure he'll be fine."_

 _"WHAT AM I DOING?!"_ Dane asked himself as he walked toward Mackey. _"I HAVE NO PLAN, NO BACKUP, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, **NO WEAPON!** "_

As the distance closed between them, Dane began to sweat, Mackey's eyes had almost completely healed and once they did, he would most likely turn Dane into paste within a matter of minutes, then probably hunt down his friends. He had to think of something that would buy them time and keep himself alive. Looking around frantically, he took note of the floating fragments of the school all around them and came up with an idea...but it was one hell of a gamble.

The two were now only a few apart from one another and Mackey's eyes were alomost completely healed. Dane got into a fighting stance and waited for Mackey's first attack.

By the time he reached Dane, the counselor's eyes were fully healed, he now gazed upon his new prey and snorted, a grin forming on his face. He then drew up his arm and prepared to smash the boy, he then brought it down, smashing the ground beneath and sending up dust clouds. When they cleared, Mackey expected to see a puddle of gore, but instead he only saw a crater where Dane once stood.

"OVER HERE!"

Mackey turned around and saw Dane running away, toward the edge of the arena. That little rat must've slipped between his legs when he was preparing his attack! The bull-man roared and charged after him, determined to not only kill him, but EAT him so Dane's putrid existence would have no trace except in his excrement!

 _"OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! IT LOOKS LIKE THAT ONLY MADE HIM ANGRIER! I HOPE THIS WORKS!"_ Dane thought frantically as the he neared the edge of the arena. Once he was right on the edge, he jumped off, closed his eyes, and prayed he was right...

When he felt the impact on the ground he opened his eyes, he had landed on one of the fragments, just like he planned.

Well..."plan" wasn't the right word, more like guessed and prayed to god he was right, and he was, turns out. _"Alright, now I have more room to run from Mackey, speaking of which, where is he?"_ Dane looked around and didn't see him anywhere. "Huh, guess he didn't jump like I did, he probably didn't think I was stupid enough to jump off the side of the arena." Dane then grinned and went to the edge of the fragment. "HA! Serves you right you big headed wimp! Even when you were a monster you couldn't even compare to a ten-year old!"

Just as he finished a huge roar sounded from below and a red beam of light emerged from below, breaking the arena above and shattering it into even more pieces. The red light then exploded and covered the pieces, as well as Dane's landing place and several other larger fragments nearby. They then rearranged themselves into what looked like a road, with a large fragment placing itself behind Dane's landing place as the starting point.

"What the fu-" But Dane was interrupted when a huge stuck landed, with exhaust pipes sticking out of the engine and curling to face out the sides of the front, spewing clouds of smog. It also had green paint job with sharp, black designs that reminded Dane of a string of mountains. Emblazoned on the grill was the word PUNISHER with a bull's head with horns serving as the U. Mackey was inside, steam rising from his nostrils in clouds of smoke, rivaling the exhaust pipes of his vehicle. Dane immediately broke into a run, causing Mackey to roar and hit the gas, chasing Dane down the new road.


	11. Chapter 11: Mackus, Lord of Failure P2

Chapter 11: Mackus, Lord of Failure Part 2

Kenny and Butters finished ascending the staircase and entered the opening that layed at the top. It appeared to be made of a bunch of blocks of linoleum melted together into a swirling structure. Inside there was graffiti that looked to have been written in the same fiery energy that Mackey used. Some of the phrases written were:

USELESS.

WHY IS NOTHING WORKING?!

REPEAT. REPEAT. REPEAT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

b...la...ck...r...ed...wr..a...th...?

KILL! KILL THEM!

HEALING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

Butters and Kenny read these and were, of course, very confused and scared.

"(Okay, now that things are a bit more quiet, can we talk about what the fuck is going on?)" Kenny asked as they continued on, looking for any sign of the school's utility room.

"I know as much as you and Dane do, Kenny. I'm downright flabbergasted at everything that's happening. Why would Mr. Mackey do this?" Butters asked. They were now further into the structure, where school lockers stuck out from the warped walls. The open ones held strange, pulsating orbs of gooey red energy that bore smiles like those faces found on the "sky" outside. They seemed to pay no mind to the two intruders inside their nest.

"(Forget why. HOW is the real question. We haven't encountered anything that could do something like this except...)" Kenny's eyes went wide as he recalled the only being that could twist reality in such a disgusting manner.

"Who is it Kenny?" Butters asked.

"(Cthulhu.)" Kenny responded.

"Huh?"

Kenny turned around and faced Butters fully, eyes wide and face blank. "(Cthulhu, that monster god-thing that tried to destroy the world last year. He's the only one that would make something this sick, question is, where is he? And what's his plan?)"

Before either could start speculating, a shrill, booming voice filled the air, the two boys covered their ears.

"FOOLISH BOY! THE POWER THAT MADE LORD MACKUS'S REALM IS FAR SUPERIOR TO THE FILTH THAT ENVELOPES YOUR SOUL!"

A cloud of red fog appeared above Butters and Kenny, and a figure dropped down from it, landing in front of them crouching. The two backed away slowly as the figure rose, revealing a pair of white angel wings and golden armor, on its' back was a spear that was also golden. It was tall, easily towering over the two.

The most startling thing though was its' face, it was that of a ginger. Stark white skin and ruby red hair with freckles his face. This wasn't the startling part, the startling part was the empty eye sockets leaking blood-like red energy like the kind Mackey, (or rather, Mackus,) had, further adding to the horror were the pair of ram-like horns and sharp, bestial fangs.

"OH HAMBURGERS!" Butters cried, shaking and holding his hammer out with both hands. Kenny was much more composed and readied his bow, though he too was unnerved by the man in front of them. "(What do you mean? Who are you?)"

The winged ginger unsheathed his spear and aimed it towards them, taking a battle stance. "I'm one of Mackus's Gold Authorities, reborn from his wrath. And you two shall perish by that same power." He then charged, trying to gore Kenny, who leaped out of the way. Butters attempted to catch him off guard and slammed his hammer into the Gold Authority's side, but his hammer merely clanged off of the monster's armor. The corrupted ginger hissed and swiped his spear at Butters, knocking him back, thankfully only the blunt side hit him. Nonetheless he was knocked to the far side of the room, his hammer clanking to the ground far away from him. He was unconscious, but alive.

"(Butters!)" Kenny aimed his bow and shot at the monster, the arrows clanked off his armor harmlessly. The Gold Authority charged with his spear aimed squarely at Kenny's stomach. Before he could dodge, the spear went straight through his stomach and came out his back. Blood flowed from the new hole, streams trickling down Kenny's body and onto the floor. The faces in the lockers laughed giddily at his suffering.

And oh boy was suffering the right word. Kenny hated bleeding to death, it was one of the slowest ways one could die, (depending on the size of the wound, of course,) and it hurt like hell. It hurt even more when the Gold Authority started lifting him up higher until he was perpendicular to the monster.

"HA! Foolish boy, you were always one of the Lord's most hated disciples. You always defied him, demeaned him, disappointed him. No wonder you were no challenge." The Gold Authority mocked.

"(Gragh...disa...disappointed?)" Kenny asked, blood beginning to flood his lungs.

"Oh yes. In spit of all his guidance, you never rose above your own ignorance and cynicism. Instead delving further and further into your perversions and delinquency. No matter how much he tried you stayed on the road of ruination and poverty. You could imagine his frustration." The monster then slammed him into the ground, causing some of his bones to break and Kenny to cough up more blood, his body being overwhelmed by pain. The Gold Authority extracted his spear from the boy's torso and began to walk towards Butters. "I'll leave you to contemplate your failures as you bleed out. Don't worry, your cuck friend will join you soon enough." Kenny soon lost sight of him as he walked away.

"No-plagh!" Kenny cried as he cough up more blood.

 _"Shit, I'm almost dead, I can feel it. My vision is darkening, I can barely feel my limbs, and everything's cold..."_ Kenny tried to turn his head towards Butters and yell at him to wake up, but his neck wouldn't respond. _"Fuck! He must've broke my neck!"_ He then heard the sound of clothes ruffling and shoes scraping across the ground. _"NO! BUTTERS!"_ The poor boy tried his hardest to sit up or stand or do anything, he couldn't let his friend die! _"I don't care how much pain I'm in, I gotta save him!"_ But all he could do was flop on the ground. His vision was tunneled now, his hearing was also getting more muffled. He couldn't smell anything anymore either.

 _"No...please God no..."_

His vision was almost entirely dark. He could only make out a faint speck of light.

 _"It...can't...end...this...way..."_

He was enveloped in darkness now, he couldn't feel the pain anymore. He couldn't feel anything.

He could feel himself drifting away, being pulled...somewhere. It was always different. Sometimes he went to heaven, sometimes to hell, sometimes a different, otherworldy plane that lacked a defined shape.

 _"No..."_ Kenny lamented, crying as he left the world of the living...and his friends.

 _"Why? Why'd I have to die NOW of all times!? When someone needed me the most! Butters...he doesn't deserve to die now. He may be a bit of an ass sometimes but he's still one of the best people I know. And Dane, I'd only just got to start knowing him and now he's probably going to die to Mackey."_

Kenny could now feel his soul begin to break apart, this was another part of his..."rebirth." His soul would fragment and he would "sleep" until he woke up in his bed, usually a day later.

Only this time when he woke up, two of his friends would be gone.

Anger and determination surged through the immortal boy. _"NO! I'm not going to die now! I'm NOT leaving them behind!"_ He then began to make swimming motions, aiming for the opposite direction he was being dragged towards. Whatever force was pulling him before increased in force, attempting to keep him on course. Kenny swam harder, fighting back against whatever it was that "guided" him. It was excruciating, but the more he swam, the more he felt his soul reforming. He also began to feel warmer, and could faintly make out a speck of light in the distance. The more the distance closed, the more the light turned into an image. It was of the room he had died in, with a clear view of Mackey's minion approaching Butters.

 _"I'M ALMOST THERE! HOLD ON!"_ Kenny swam more frantically, and the image got closer and clearer until he was right in front of it. It was now more like a window, when he tried to open it though, it didn't budge, he then began to slam it with his palms, when that didn't work, he began punching.

 _"C'mon,C'MON!"_ It felt like hitting a brick wall. Couple that with the pulling, Kenny felt like he was gonna break into pieces...literally.

Right as he felt like he was gonna give in, the window shattered.

Elation filled Kenny, but before he could start laughing in relief, a purple fog filled his vision, and tentacles reached out to embrace him.

The Gold Authority approached the downed Butters and picked him up. He readied his spear to puncture the boy's skull right in the forehead.

"Unlike that perverted filth, you shall have a quick death. For while he gave Mackus much rage and grief, you only filled him with sorrow, as you were doomed to a life of exploitation, rejection, and loneliness. Sleep now, boy, and ascend towards paradise." The Gold Auuthority then began to thrust, but just before the point made contact. a glowing, purple tentacle wrapped around the handle and yanked it backwards and out of the monster's hand.

"WHAT?!" It exclaimed, dropping Butters and turning to face the tentacle's owner, he gasped at what he saw.

A cloud of purple fog was now before him, tentacles of purple energy bursting from it, writhing and snapping at the air, seemingly hostile to everything around them. The one holding the spear retreated into the center of the fog, taking the spear with it. A moment later it reappeared, sailing through the air and impaling the Gold Authority's shoulder. The minion of Mackus cried out in agony as the force of the throw sent him flying into the air, he stopped his ascent using his wings and ripped the spear out of his shoulder. A low, angry growl filled his throat and he grimaced, showing off his knife-like teeth.

"WHO DARES?!"

A figure emerged from the purple haze, it was Kenny, dress and coat torn from combat and bearing a hole where the spear had struck, the wound completely healed. His crown was now gone, as were his gloves and wig. His most surprising feature though were his eyes, they now also glowed purple, looking like dark, sinister gems.

Accompanying them were a scowl filled with hatred.

The Gold Authority gasped again and his own eyes grew wide, worry beginning to creep into him.

Kenny said nothing, not even when the mass of fog and tentacles snapped out of existence.

Silence filled the air as the two stared each other down, until finally, Kenny huffed and held his arm up, causing a mass of thin, whip-like tendrils to bloom from his arm. He then whipped them towards the monster that had killed him.


End file.
